A Down Day

I'm feeling pretty angry and irritated with life right now. Where is my spirit of optimism? I hope I find it again soon. I hate feeling bitter.

Internet Filters

I recently had a reader write me a question about internet filters. She asked if I knew anything about internet filters, if I used one, and if I recommended using them. I thought my response might be helpful to others, so I think I'll just go ahead and post an excerpt of my e-mail back to her.

"...I think internet filters can be an important step in keeping your marriage and family safe from the harm of pornography. They are a great external barrier from inappropriate material. With that said, filters can only do so much. Often, even with a very good filter, someone seeking inappropriate material can still access it. There are several ways to get around even the best filters.

Thus, a filter should be used as PART of a defense system against pornography use, but cannot be the ONLY part of it. When we saw a counselor at LDS Family Services, she distinguished between external vs. internal barriers. External barriers to pornography are things like a filter, keeping the computer in a public place, not using the computer when alone, etc. Internal barriers are things that motivate someone to abstain from pornography, like going to counseling, participating in a 12 Step Group, reading the scriptures, working with a bishop, etc. In the long run, if someone addicted to pornography is going to improve, they have to have internal barriers in place- because they can always find a way to get around the external ones.

In short, true abstinence from pornography must stem from a real desire to change, not just the presence of a filter.

I do recommend using a filter on your computer, but you can't rely on it to mend the problem alone. Having a filter in place helps to give an addict, or someone trying to view pornography, a barrier. If they try to access pornography in a moment of weakness and the filter stops them, it gives them a minute to think "do I really want to do this?" However, if they really want to get to the material, often a filter isn't going to stop them."

I hope this makes sense to everyone. Feel free to send me your questions about filters and I can even make some recommendations if you would like. Also, feel free to e-mail me with suggestions of external or internal barriers that have helped your loved ones abstain from pornography. I'm sorry for the many aching hearts out there and hope we can continue to help one another.

Feeling Some Stability

I don't have much time to record my thoughts, but I wanted to make an entry while I am feeling pretty good and generally happy. Things have been going well lately. I'm happy that we may soon be celebrating a full year without pornography in our home. That is a huge victory and I am so proud of my husband. Lately, he has shared many of his insights on his recovery and it seems that attending the 12-Step group has been the most fundamental instrument in his success. He has been very vigilant in avoiding situations that would be a temptation for him. Lately, he has shared with me when he is feeling weak or susceptible to his addiction, and has allowed me to help strengthen him. That has been a good experience for us as a couple.

I have been doing better personally too. I still struggle with some uneasiness and anxiousness, but I am feeling more stable. I decided to take some classes this semester to help me focus on some things I need to complete before I can graduate, help me feel less isolated, and give me things to accomplish with less time to dwell on the negative. This has been extremely helpful and I am really enjoying the classes and semester. I'll be looking for another job soon too, hopefully. I'm trying to get my feet planted back where they were before this disaster was unveiled last year and move forward with my personal progression. I am grateful for the things I have learned this last year, but I am still devastated by the mechanism for those lessons. I hope things continue to improve and I am doing my best to stay positive and grateful!

Nothing Too New

Well, I'm going to be brief tonight. I've spent the last few hours reading through blog posts written by loved ones of addicts on the website LDSAR.org. It's a wonderful website and I feel a great comfort knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem. My heart hurts that so many others are affected, but I do get a lot of comfort from reading the entries of other people who know exactly how I feel. It's interesting and sad to me how similar most of our situations are. We are all dealing with the impact of pornography and sexual addiction and how it has destroyed our spirits, broken our hearts, and hurt our husbands. Satan is very real and powerful today. I hate when people view pornography as a victimless crime. It certainly does destroy individuals, relationships, and families. My heart aches for every woman who is affected by the sexual addiction of a husband. At the same time, I also feel pity for the addicts who have allowed themselves to become trapped by this addiction. It reminds me of the scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about how the Devil has the cunning ability to drag our souls carefully down to hell.

As for me, I am still striving to find personal peace and answers to my perpetual questions. Lately, I continue to battle sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and some degree of depression. I am finding healthy ways to deal. I'm finding that one of the most important principles that I have to keep in mind is balance and moderation. I am learning that to keep my sanity, I can't spend all of my time obsessing about the uncertainty of my future and I have to take time to enjoy life at the moment. However, it certainly is difficult to find peace when I am so unsure about the next steps in my life. I have continued to feel confident about the "year deadline" I set for myself to wait before making any kind of final decision about my marriage. As it approaches, I do feel a lot of emotion. I was talking briefly with my mother about my current emotional state and conveyed to her that I was feeling quite exhausted by life. Stability in life breeds peace and I certainly lack both of those things.

I'm re-committing to being more diligent in meaningful personal prayer and scripture study on a daily basis. I have felt uplifted as I have again tried to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. For several months, my anger and sorrow overwhelmed me and eclipsed my personal testimony and dedication to the Gospel. I am grateful for a good friend who called me out on my own lack of dedication and helped me realize that it was doing me absolutely no good to hold resentment towards my Heavenly Father. I know it was a tender mercy that I even found out about this looming problem in my marriage and don't continue to live in blissful, but terrible ignorance. I thank my Heavenly Father for the progress I see in my marriage, the strength He gives me individually to face each day, and the friends who support me when I simply cannot go on alone any longer.

Still Doing The Best I Can

I'm in a really bad place mentally right now so I thought it might be a good idea to try to write about my thoughts and feelings. For awhile I was really good at recording my thoughts on my blog, but then I always feel like I have to write something profound, or I have to be perfectly optimistic and inspirational. I think what I really need personally is a more stream-of-consciousness approach that will help me to process my thoughts and feelings. And I guess I also need to write in a place where I am not afraid that my thoughts will be judged, so I don't have to filter what I am saying. One big reason that I feel like I have to portray a perfect example is because I represent myself as an LDS woman. I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ found in LDS doctrine is perfect and so I don't want to misrepresent it at all by depicting my imperfect, human self. I hope that makes sense and I hope that anyone who reads my ramblings recognizes that although my thoughts aren't always perfect, I am trying to process all of my feelings in a Christ-like way.

I have been extremely depressed lately. I read somewhere today that spouses who find about about their husband's sexual addiction often experience almost all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I can definitely look back at the last year and recognize high amounts of uneasiness, anxiety, depression, anger, and even rage. Sometimes I just don't think that this is a burden that I can handle. I feel so uneasy and sad, despite the fact that over nine months have passed. I wonder if I should see a counselor again individually, but it is such a financial burden. Plus, its hard for me to want to spill my soul in such a non-personal atmosphere. I like having someone as a sounding board, but I would much rather talk to someone who really cares about me and not someone who is just being paid to listen. At the same time, when I talk to those who care about me and know about the situation, they all have their own obvious biases. I know that they are all trying to help, but I think each of them is hurt for me and has their own personal agenda regarding the situation.

A few nights ago, I had my ITunes open and my husband spotted a video that I had made him shortly after we got engaged. He was excited and wanted to watch it. It was a video that I had put together of pictures of us in our first year of dating together. I had put the slideshow to music and had told the story of our dating, courtship, and when he had proposed to me. I had written many reasons why I loved him. It was completely devastating to me to watch the video because it reminded me that I used to think of him that way. My eyes used to light up when I saw him. I saw my whole future in him. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I was truly in love with him and its a sharp contrast to my current feelings of betrayal and loss. He was my best friend. I know that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws, but I am just having a really hard time getting past the dishonesty that has existed in our relationship. I feel really sad knowing that I still don't trust him. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. When I think about it, I just have a bad feeling in my gut.

Its been long enough since the exposure of his addiction, that our lives have somewhat returned to normal. Despite a degree of normalcy, I still feel burdened by concerns every single day. I feel like I am straddling this huge gap--on one side I am trying to live a full, vibrant, loving and normal life with my husband, pretending that everything is okay--and on the other side, I am grappling with the possibility of divorce every day. I feel like I am on the most dangerous emotional rollercoaster ever constructed. I wish I could find more peace in my marriage. Even when nothing is going wrong, it still just doesn't feel right. I'm constantly wondering if I am still just being deceived. Is this because of my own shortcomings and inability to move forward or is this because I am discerning trouble that is simply unseen?

I've been really upset about something lately. Really, it's a pretty dumb thing to be upset about, but seeing my close friends start families has triggered a whole myriad of sad feelings for me. I hate to say it, but I am a little envious of my friends who are settling down and having babies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to have a baby. I guess the fact that they are stable enough to be considering starting a family makes me envious. It started a few weeks ago when we talked about family planning and the transition to parenthood in the Marriage Enhancement class that I TA for. Several couples announced that they were pregnant and we spent the class talking about parenting. It really made me realize what a huge priority having children is for me someday. It made me want to talk to my husband and think about a timeline for us. But then that just makes me return to the realization that there is absolutely no stability in my marriage and that I don't even know if I will reach a point where I will ever have children with him.

Similarly, one of our favorite couples to hang out with is moving across the nation this month. I was talking to her about the move and the huge transition that they are about to make. She is uprooting from everything she knows to move for her husband to take a job. They will likely be there for three to five years, and then who knows where they will live. The whole time we were talking I noticed how comfortable she was with the whole thing. They are excited to move and start their family. They don't care that they are leaving their friends behind and will be far from the rest of their family. She is just thrilled about moving with her husband and having a baby. She's so excited about this next step. I guess that got me thinking about how insecure I am in my marriage. I wish I had some of that stability and felt like I was in a healthier place. That's really all I want. Down the road, I just want the kids and the daily struggles of family life. I want to grow old with someone who loves me and cares enough about me to put me first. As life brings hard times, I want to be able to rely on one constancy--that there is someone there for me who I can love and trust.

I have more constructive things to write about, but I'm really tired and think the most healthy use of my time right now is probably just to go to sleep. I hope this didn't come across as too whiney, but I guess sometimes it good for me to write out my feelings and make sure I'm not trying to play the victim or that I'm not caught too much in the role of a martyr. I've noticed my own tendency to do this sometimes and I really want to stay accountable for not doing that. There's a fine line between admitting to the hurt that has been inflicted upon me and letting it ruin my life. I hope to be more positive and optimistic tomorrow.

Patience

Well, its been a little over five months since "Black Sunday"--I stole that phrase from a chat with my dad one day.  I'm really learning patience because I feel like five months is a long time, but within the context of overcoming addiction and healing a marriage, its only a small moment.  I haven't written for awhile because there hasn't been the same degree of momentous events, terrible discoveries, and agonizing days that there was when I initially found out about my husband's sexual addiction.  Some days I feel like we are back to normal life.  However, I realize that even though nothing is necessarily new, I should probably still record my thoughts, feelings, and any progress that I see being made.  

Its been really hard not to be down lately, despite a lot of progress.  My husband was recently given his temple recommend again and we were able to attend the sealing of one of my best friends and also his sister's sealing.  It was very nice to be in the temple with him again.  It sure beats being there alone.  However, I guess my joy was somewhat fleeting because I only feared that it will soon come a day where I will just be alone again.  It is really hard to feel joy to the same extent as before.  When trust is gone, it is difficult to love.  I wonder if I will ever love my husband like I used to.

Not to be ungrateful, I do see enormous progress and our relationship has been strengthened in some ways over the last five months.  I feel very close to my husband again at certain times.  I know if we both continue to work on our individual recovery, we can continue to see progress.  

Anniversary

We celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend.  I was worried that it would be a really depressing day.  Reflecting on our first year of marriage conjures thoughts of deception, dishonesty, and sin--not exactly great reasons to celebrate.  The day had some very difficult moments as I thought about how much fear I have that my husband will just hurt me again.  I tried so hard to be optimistic and positive, but I ended up succumbing to my sadness a few different times during the day.  I ended up crying a good amount that night and wishing I wasn't left with such a void of trust in my marriage.  

At the same time, I still felt inklings of hope that my marriage can be saved and that there was reason to celebrate our anniversary.  In the last few months, my husband and I have learned a lot about one another and shared so much.  Because we have been so focused on being vigilantly honest, the transparency we share with one another has created a new and meaningful intimacy between us.  My husband promises me that our first year of marriage will be our worst.  As depressing as it is has been to have such a rocky newlywed year, I'm grateful we're moving forward and making progress.  If we face these challenges together now, I know we can establish a healthy precedent for coping with the future obstacles that life will inevitably bring us.  I do feel that my husband loves me and even though my pain is still great, I do feel some happiness again with him.