Can't Sleep

I'm feeling a lot of pain tonight.  I can't sleep because I am too mad.  I can't talk to my husband because I am too upset.  I wish I was just the type that could have a good cry and let out a lot of the emotion, but that's not my personality so I guess I will just have to try to write a lot of it out.  That's not to say that I don't cry or that I think there is anything wrong with crying, I just wish I could find the strength to cry.  That probably doesn't even make sense, but I have only cried once since I found out and even though it was only for a minute, it felt really good.  I wish I could just get swallowed up in a big hug from someone who cares about me and really let it out.  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes--hey, maybe this is helping.  Nope, they always get to that same point.  My eyes start to get a little watery, but it always seems to stop there.  It makes me really upset that my husband can be passed out on the bed just sleeping while my soul is so tormented that I cannot rest.  

Lately I have had a difficult time discerning between answers from Heavenly Father and Satan's deceptive ways.  I know that probably sounds strange, but I just know that Satan is real.  I recognize how badly he wants my marriage to fail.  He can never have or experience the beauty of a satisfying covenant marriage and I know he wants so badly to rob me of it too.  I mean, its pretty easy to recognize the trend that society has towards marriage and see that the Devil definitely has his hand in it.  I guess somehow I always thought I was above that or "that won't happen to me."  Satan can always have influence on all of us, if we let him.  I know it is true that even the most elite can be deceived.  Well, I know that Satan has tempted my husband and is trying to destroy his life and our marriage through this addiction.  Additionally, now I can feel his influence as it tries to keep my soul furrowed up in depression and uncertainty.  I know that these feelings are a result of my husband's deception, but Satan truly wants to capitalize on it and keep me dragging in my sorrow.  I know I have to be proactive as much as I am capable of so that I don't allow Satan to overpower my hope for my future.  

I'm very analytical.  Like most things, this can be a strength and a weakness.  In this situation, I am constantly over-analyzing everything.  I know that I need balance in my life and that I can't be always so focused on this that I don't attend to my every day life, but it is hard because this situation has affected most aspects of my life.  As I ponder, I often have major warning flags in my mind because of my husband's past behavior.  I worry that I am just being deceived again and that no matter what I am going to be living with someone who is only outwardly committed to the gospel and who will always choose to live two lives.  I guess I have had a hard time deciding whether these inclinations are warning signs from Heavenly Father or simply just discouragement coming from the Devil.  It is really hard to tell.

It's hard to have to look out for yourself in a marriage.  I am so used to looking to fulfill the needs of my husband and trying to be mindful of my needs doesn't come naturally.  I have talked to my husband and others about this concept a few times, but it is something that I have had a hard time dealing with.  It is hard to stop and recognize "my husband has been looking out for himself," and "I have been looking out for my husband."  Who has been looking out for me?  Its a harsh moment when you realize that you have to look out for your own well-being because your spouse just simply hasn't been doing that.  So I am so conscious of making it very clear that it's me or the pornography and that I refuse to tolerate that kind of offensive and degrading material.  I also will not tolerate any more dishonesty.

Last week I discovered that there has been financial dishonesty as well.  My husband recently traded in our large plasma TV for another one that was larger and had a better HD resolution.  At first, he told me that he simply traded in the TV and that it was the same price.  Later on, when I questioned him more firmly, he admitted that the TV had cost us an additional $50.  Well, when I finally looked at our credit card statement, that was simply not the case.  I was extremely upset at the blatant dishonesty and confronted him.  I finally got the real story--the TV was $150 more than the one he traded it in for.  Seriously, $150.  Not a big deal.  But the constant manifestations of dishonesty.  Big deal.  I mean, its such a similar pattern to the pornography too.  When I confronted him originally, he completely lied and said that he did not have a problem.  Even after I had stumbled upon concrete evidence, he still tried to sidetrack it and lied straight to my face.  After that, I only got a small piece of the truth (he had a problem in the past and it had been occurring again for a month).  Well, then when I felt strongly that this was not the truth, he finally came clean about the fact that it had actually been six months.  Do I even know the real truth now?  What else is he lying about?  I'm certainly concerned because his word means absolutely nothing to me.

I think it is easy to see how this dishonesty has laid the framework for Satan to capitalize on my suspicions, doubts, and insecurities.  Even though I have felt confident that I should stay married right now, I can feel that confidence constantly being undermined.  My husband and I had some great conversations last week.  We talked specifically about how important it is to improve our emotional, spiritual, and physical connection and intimacy.  We talked about the importance of humility and honesty.  We communicated our challenges and when I expressed my feelings, I felt that they were very validated.  But now, this week, I am hesitant and reserved because I wonder if again he is just "saying all the right words."  

In short, it has been hard to discern between truth and lies.  I know I have been promised an added spirit of discernment, but I also realize I have to make choices that will qualify for me to receive that added measure of the spirit.  Thus, I decided tonight to study briefly about revelation in the church's resource True to the Faith.  I loved this portion of the text, "Quiet spiritual promptings may not seem as spectacular as visions or angelic visitations, but they are more powerful and lasting and life changing.  The witness of the Holy Ghost makes an impression on the soul that is more significant than anything you can see or hear."  

The handbook gives specific counsel for preparing to receive personal revelation.  As I read each item, I realized that I still have so much room for improvement in many of these areas.  I realize that sometimes I get so overcome with discouragement, that I shun the very most important resources that I need.  I too need to humble myself and remember to earnestly seek the strength given to those who turn to Christ in their time of need.  This has caused me to truly seek forgiveness from the Lord and repent of my prideful ways.  True to the Faith focuses on nine ways to be worthy of the promptings of the Holy Ghost:

1) Pray for guidance 

2) Be reverent

3) Be humble

4) Keep the commandments

5) Partake of the sacrament worthily 

6) Study the scriptures every day

7) Take time to ponder 

8) When seeking specific counsel, study the matter out in your mind

9) Patiently seek God's will*

Reflecting on these truths has helped me to feel more control in my life.  It has been hard to submit to the fact that my husband has so much control over whether or not our marriage will survive at this time.  However, it is a nice reminder to realize how much control I have over my salvation.  Through Christ, I can become whole and healed and only I can take the steps I need to feel better.  Studying these principles has helped me to recognize again how much the Lord loves me and how much He wants to bless me with peace, direction, and help.  But I have to do it His way, as outlined above.  

*I can especially work on that very last part.  I know I have mentioned the importance of patience in the past, but I guess it really is a weakness for me so I really need to focus on not trying to implement my own time frame and force it on the Lord.  As True to the Faith explains, "God reveals Himself 'in His own time, and in His own way, and according to His own will (see D&C 88:63-68)."  "DO NOT TRY TO FORCE SPIRITUAL THINGS.  Revelation does not come that way.  Be patient and trust in the Lord's timing."   

Journal Portion 3

My thoughts are all over the place when I try to write.  I feel like I have a strong hold on my thoughts and convictions, its just hard to write it all.  I guess I will start again where I left off before the fireside the other day.  Sunday night, after my friends left, I told my husband I wanted to talk to him about something.  I was very calm about it and all I said was, "I found some files on the computer and wondered if you could explain them."  He knew exactly what I was talking about and immediately jumped into an explanation about how Friday night he had wanted to stream an NBA game online, but that he had chanced upon some links that were not right.  Earlier in the week we had been doing a search for the TV show The Office and had accidentally stumbled upon an inappropriate link.  Of course, we didn't click on it and just hit back on the browser so we didn't see anything inappropriate.  I guess he was making an attempt to conveniently use the same concept.  But of course that was different because these weren't just links, they were downloaded windows media files.  

He then looked at me and said, "You know I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you."  I wanted to believe him, but I sensed that I wasn't getting the whole truth.  Because of the explicit nature of the file names, he would have had to known what he was downloading before he opened them.  Plus there were numerous files, not just one.  I told him that I believed him, but asked him if he would show me what he was talking about for my own benefit.  He said there was a website with a bunch of different internet "stations" that allowed you to watch sports games and that one of them just must not have been what it claimed to be.  He then appeared to be "searching" for the supposed website that he had "been using to try to get an NBA game" and it became pretty evident that he was not telling the truth.  Even then, I still believed him.  It truly scared me what a good liar he is.  Finally after a few minutes of pointless "searching" I got up to brush my teeth.  I looked at him and all I said was "that doesn't make sense."

When I walked out of the bathroom, he met me with a face and disposition that said it all.  He quickly spilled, "I don't want this to become an issue.  I've had a problem with pornography since high school  It has started again-since last month."  I just sat on the couch, stunned.  I was so hurt that he had lied to my face.  I quickly reflected on a time when we were dating that I had asked him if he had ever had a problem with pornography.   It was after a priesthood session near General Conference and the prophet had addressed the problem of pornography.  I can sort of understand why he did, but he had lied to me then too.  It was hard to take in.

I asked him exactly when he started viewing pornography again and when he did it.  He told me it was a few weeks into January and that he had been accessing it on the internet during the day when he came home for lunch between school and work.  The part that killed me the most then was that I knew he had probably frequently been texting me while he was looking at pornography.  It blew my mind.  

I asked him if he just thought I would never find out and he said, "No it always comes out."  Then I said, "So you knew that I would find out.  What did you think that would do to me?"  He answered that he knew it would destroy me.  I was so upset and then replied, "So you knew I would find out and that it would absolutely destroy me, but you still did it?"  It really hurts that he consciously put pornography above me.  He always says "you are the most important thing to me" but that is obviously not true.  It hurts me so much how selfish he is.