I'm in a really bad place mentally right now so I thought it might be a good idea to try to write about my thoughts and feelings. For awhile I was really good at recording my thoughts on my blog, but then I always feel like I have to write something profound, or I have to be perfectly optimistic and inspirational. I think what I really need personally is a more stream-of-consciousness approach that will help me to process my thoughts and feelings. And I guess I also need to write in a place where I am not afraid that my thoughts will be judged, so I don't have to filter what I am saying. One big reason that I feel like I have to portray a perfect example is because I represent myself as an LDS woman. I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ found in LDS doctrine is perfect and so I don't want to misrepresent it at all by depicting my imperfect, human self. I hope that makes sense and I hope that anyone who reads my ramblings recognizes that although my thoughts aren't always perfect, I am trying to process all of my feelings in a Christ-like way.
I have been extremely depressed lately. I read somewhere today that spouses who find about about their husband's sexual addiction often experience almost all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I can definitely look back at the last year and recognize high amounts of uneasiness, anxiety, depression, anger, and even rage. Sometimes I just don't think that this is a burden that I can handle. I feel so uneasy and sad, despite the fact that over nine months have passed. I wonder if I should see a counselor again individually, but it is such a financial burden. Plus, its hard for me to want to spill my soul in such a non-personal atmosphere. I like having someone as a sounding board, but I would much rather talk to someone who really cares about me and not someone who is just being paid to listen. At the same time, when I talk to those who care about me and know about the situation, they all have their own obvious biases. I know that they are all trying to help, but I think each of them is hurt for me and has their own personal agenda regarding the situation.
A few nights ago, I had my ITunes open and my husband spotted a video that I had made him shortly after we got engaged. He was excited and wanted to watch it. It was a video that I had put together of pictures of us in our first year of dating together. I had put the slideshow to music and had told the story of our dating, courtship, and when he had proposed to me. I had written many reasons why I loved him. It was completely devastating to me to watch the video because it reminded me that I used to think of him that way. My eyes used to light up when I saw him. I saw my whole future in him. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I was truly in love with him and its a sharp contrast to my current feelings of betrayal and loss. He was my best friend. I know that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws, but I am just having a really hard time getting past the dishonesty that has existed in our relationship. I feel really sad knowing that I still don't trust him. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. When I think about it, I just have a bad feeling in my gut.
Its been long enough since the exposure of his addiction, that our lives have somewhat returned to normal. Despite a degree of normalcy, I still feel burdened by concerns every single day. I feel like I am straddling this huge gap--on one side I am trying to live a full, vibrant, loving and normal life with my husband, pretending that everything is okay--and on the other side, I am grappling with the possibility of divorce every day. I feel like I am on the most dangerous emotional rollercoaster ever constructed. I wish I could find more peace in my marriage. Even when nothing is going wrong, it still just doesn't feel right. I'm constantly wondering if I am still just being deceived. Is this because of my own shortcomings and inability to move forward or is this because I am discerning trouble that is simply unseen?
I've been really upset about something lately. Really, it's a pretty dumb thing to be upset about, but seeing my close friends start families has triggered a whole myriad of sad feelings for me. I hate to say it, but I am a little envious of my friends who are settling down and having babies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to have a baby. I guess the fact that they are stable enough to be considering starting a family makes me envious. It started a few weeks ago when we talked about family planning and the transition to parenthood in the Marriage Enhancement class that I TA for. Several couples announced that they were pregnant and we spent the class talking about parenting. It really made me realize what a huge priority having children is for me someday. It made me want to talk to my husband and think about a timeline for us. But then that just makes me return to the realization that there is absolutely no stability in my marriage and that I don't even know if I will reach a point where I will ever have children with him.
Similarly, one of our favorite couples to hang out with is moving across the nation this month. I was talking to her about the move and the huge transition that they are about to make. She is uprooting from everything she knows to move for her husband to take a job. They will likely be there for three to five years, and then who knows where they will live. The whole time we were talking I noticed how comfortable she was with the whole thing. They are excited to move and start their family. They don't care that they are leaving their friends behind and will be far from the rest of their family. She is just thrilled about moving with her husband and having a baby. She's so excited about this next step. I guess that got me thinking about how insecure I am in my marriage. I wish I had some of that stability and felt like I was in a healthier place. That's really all I want. Down the road, I just want the kids and the daily struggles of family life. I want to grow old with someone who loves me and cares enough about me to put me first. As life brings hard times, I want to be able to rely on one constancy--that there is someone there for me who I can love and trust.
I have more constructive things to write about, but I'm really tired and think the most healthy use of my time right now is probably just to go to sleep. I hope this didn't come across as too whiney, but I guess sometimes it good for me to write out my feelings and make sure I'm not trying to play the victim or that I'm not caught too much in the role of a martyr. I've noticed my own tendency to do this sometimes and I really want to stay accountable for not doing that. There's a fine line between admitting to the hurt that has been inflicted upon me and letting it ruin my life. I hope to be more positive and optimistic tomorrow.
