The Last Couple Weeks

BYU Finals Week ends today. The last few weeks have been very busy with school commitments. I know that's not a good excuse for failing to record my thoughts more frequently. Hopefully I will do better at recording more of my personal journey through this trial. I think sometimes it is still just too exhausting to try to write about the emotions I am feeling.

My husband and I have seen a lot of progress together lately. However, last Saturday night was a really bad night. We were at Smiths and I told my husband to choose a movie from the Redbox while I grabbed a couple things. I returned to the front of the store and spotted him. He didn't see me, but I watched him checking out a girl in front of him. I understand that guys will notice an attractive women, but this was much more than "taking notice." He was completely checking her out and blatantly lusting after her. I got a really sick feeling. Then, he realized I was standing there watching the whole thing and I know he was embarrassed. He walked up to me and immediately made a comment about how "skankily" she was dressed, trying to put the blame on her and brushing it aside. We paid for our groceries and I just expressed my frustration and pain at watching him check out another women so intently.

When we got in the car, he said, "I'm sorry. I was lusting after her. I was totally out of control." I know he has had a sexual addiction for almost twelve years, but it is still amazing to me how "powerless" over lust he is. In fact, recognizing that you are powerless over lust is the first tenant of Sexaholics Anonymous, which my husband has recently joined. Lust binds him and keeps him captive to sin continually and it is extremely hurtful to a wife. My heart longs to have a husband who only has eyes for me.

I've struggled so much lately, but I have had a lot of support. I'm grateful for my friends, family, and the support group that I have gained through S-Anon. Although it hurts me so much to know that so many women are pained because of similar circumstances, it is nice to have the help from those who truly know my pain. One of my new friends from the group recommended that I get a priesthood blessing. A wise reader of my blog had actually recommended it to me recently too.

My dad came down on Monday and we had a wonderful conversation. My dad is such a good man. I am so grateful for his worthiness to exercise his priesthood. I wish my husband could do the same. My dad gave me a powerful priesthood blessing that gave me so much comfort and strength. I have continually expressed that lately it has been very difficult to discern between Heavenly Father's admonitions and the influence of the adversary. I wonder if Heavenly Father is warning me that my situation is dangerous and I should leave my marriage or if Satan is just manipulating my fears and trying to destroy a marriage that could be healthy again. Through the priesthood, my father blessed me with an added measure of discernment. He also revoked the power of Satan during this decision-making process, so that when I come to a decision, I can know that it is from the Lord. What a powerful promise through the blessings of the priesthood! It provided me with so much relief and guidance. He told me to be mindful of the teachings in the scriptures about revelation and listen knowing that answers would be coming from Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for a loving earthly father who was able to convey such a peaceful and direct message from a loving Heavenly Father.