Quick Catch Up

I've realized fairly quickly how difficult it really is to write every day. I know it helps me to write, but it sure has been hard. Lately I have been faced with a very real depression. I am trying not to let it overcome or defeat me, but I sure have been feeling my emotions in a very real way. My concerns and pain have taken an excruciating toll on my physical health. Things are getting a little better though in that area. For awhile, I couldn't eat or keep any food down. I lost almost twelve pounds in one week. It scared me a lot when I almost dropped below one hundred. Luckily, in the past week or so I have been able to eat again and have been able to regain a lot of strength. Now my battle is predominantly a mental one, but I am still feeling the physical manifestations of my pain quite a bit too.

I made it out of bed today. I guess to clarify, I always make it out of bed--but I haven't seen too many mornings lately. Between our very lengthy talks that often go into the early morning hours and just the weight of all my emotions, I sure haven't been functioning at my normal level. Anyway, I made it up to campus today. The impact that my husband's pornography use and deception has had on my school work is a huge frustration to me. This semester I am taking 17.0 credits, working, and doing an internship as a research assistant. I have been extremely busy but have also been very satisfied with my efforts. Before the onset of this situation, I was getting very good grades in all of my classes. In fact, I think I had all A's. I know, that's life. Things are going great, you do the best you can, and sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. I am just really frustrated though because my husband's selfishness has again compromised me. Especially after having some health obstacles last semester that prevented me from going to school full-time, I have been really focused on school and doing my best to try to make up for lost time. Now, I feel like back then and now, my husband's actions are constantly "kicking me while I'm down."

Anyway, with that said, I did make it to campus. Tally one victory for the day. I have about twenty minutes before I have to meet with a group to prepare for a presentation this Friday and I can't seem to concentrate on anything, so I thought I would do another brief recap. I obviously can't capture everything that has happened or even begin to convey the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt, but I guess it would be nice for me to cover the highlights.

The week after I found out about everything, I concentrated my efforts on personal prayer and studying the scriptures and conference talks. I also studied LDS materials on pornography. I pondered diligently on the reasons that I was considering divorce and found that I did not think they conflicted with church doctrine. In fact, I know that my motives for considering this as an option are only because I want righteousness and a happy, eternal family. I knew that I needed to forgive my husband regardless of my decision and I was prepared to do that eventually. I just realize that even forgiveness does not remove the consequences of our actions. The Atonement is very real, but it also does not remove all of the consequences of our actions. However, after a lot of prayer, study, and personal reflection, I determined that I would like to stay married, do my very best to be a strength to my husband, and have some faith that he would decide to live a righteous life again.

I went to the temple as a part of a process of asking my Heavenly Father if He would support my decision to stay married. I put my whole faith in my Heavenly Father, knowing that He alone could understand my heart as well as my husband's. I pleaded with him to let me know if this was a wise decision. I yearned for Him to warn me if it was not a good decision. Out of obvious respect for the sacredness of the ordinances performed in the temple, I will not go into detail about my experience. However, I will say, that when I reached the celestial room at the end of the session, I was overcome with so much pain. I was there alone. The strongest insight occurred to me that "it's not as joyful if you're alone." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but the message was clear to me. My husband has not been living his life in a way that makes him worthy to return to live in the Celestial kingdom with me. I would be alone. Watching all of the other people interact warmly to one another, surrounded by their friends and family, I simply sat alone. I knew right then that I sure didn't want to make it back to God alone.

My patriarchal blessing expresses a lot of things that are very relevant to me right now. One thing it stresses is that I will always pray to the Lord and that He will always answer my prayers in the way that is best for me. My blessing tells me that sometimes the answers to my prayers will be immediate and that sometimes I will have to practice "the heavenly value of patience." This has been the case with this decision. I have not felt any confirming notion of my sincere desire to stay married. Instead, I have been given the confirmation that staying married right now is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I do not know what the time frame of this answer is, but I know two things 1) I have much more to learn from this situation and I need to stay with my husband to learn those things and 2) my Heavenly Father requires me to stay married at this time to show my conviction towards keeping the sacred marital covenants I made in the temple when I was married. My husband retains his agency in all of this, but staying in this marriage and giving my husband a second chance for now reflects that I have given everything I could to making this marriage work and holding up my end of sacred covenants. Even if my husband chooses to ultimately disregard his covenants, I will know for sure that I did everything I could to make this marriage work.

I have felt really good about this decision. Like I said, I don't know how long it will last, but I know it is the course of action I need to follow right now. I feel like the spirit has promised me an added measure of discernment during this time that will help me to differentiate truth from deceit and help me continue to make wise and righteous decisions. I am grateful to feel that blessing.

Since my decision to stay married, I have felt a roller coaster of emotions. My husband and I have made a lot of progress together. He seems very committed right now. Our therapy sessions have been a powerful catalyst for change during the week. We are also looking forward to starting the LifeStar program this week, which is specifically geared toward overcoming pornography addictions. At times, I feel a great degree of hope for the future. However, I still feel a great amount of despair. It is difficult because even though my husband and I are having very meaningful and helpful conversations and I know he is headed in the right direction, I still am constantly wondering if I am again just being lied to and deceived. The absence of trust in our relationship makes me second-guess even the most progressive days we have.

Journal Portion 4

Heavenly Father knows when we have reached our capacity.  I felt so hurt, lost, and empty the night I find out about my husband's pornography problem.  To some degree though, I just felt numb.  I didn't quite know what to say or do.  I knew that the numb feeling would dull eventually and that a new degree of pain would set in, but for the time I was very grateful for the numb feeling.

Well the next day I woke up and tried my best to function as normal.  Heavenly Father was still with me, but the temporary feeling that numbed me was gone.  It was replaced by a heartache that is impossible to explain.  It was in my chest and in my throat.  I just kept wanting to think that "this can't be real" or this can't really be happening.  I was lucky that I didn't have class until the late morning and I got ready slowly, alone with my thoughts.  Sitting through my first class was excruciatingly painful.  I felt so broken and hurt.  My mind kept reflecting on the night before and the image of the terribly obscene file names kept popping in my head-destroying me.  After my class, I half-heartedly went to the computer lab to work on an assignment.  I realized fairly quickly that my mind was not going to cooperate for doing school work and I contemplated going home.

Around this time, my husband texted me and told me that he had called and told his dad that he had been looking at pornography again and that he had lied to me.  He told me that he was meeting his dad in Salt Lake.  I was frustrated that he went to his dad before he talked to me.  I was also frustrated the night before because after he got caught, he left our apartment.  I can understand that he wanted to escape the situation, but so did I and I did not leave!  All I wanted to do was run home to my parents, but I did not.  I don't think that would have been appropriate despite how much I just wanted to leave my situation and run for support.  Although I definitely would have suggested speaking with my husband's father together eventually too, I was upset that he went to him initially without me.  He had gone to his dad as a resource with his pornography problem in the past, but it wasn't just his problem anymore.  By marrying me, it became OUR problem.  (Little did I know though since I had been lied to.)

I was frustrated because the scriptures give very specific counsel about how we should work together when we have been married.  I reflected on lessons about what it means to "leave, cleave, and be one (Genesis 2:24)."  To me, this means that we no longer rely on our former confidants and friends in the same way that we did before.  This means that we do not go running to our parents by ourselves in a time of crisis.  Of course we are still connected to our parents and they will be a constant source of strength and wisdom in our lives, but we shouldn't run to them to solve our problems.  I guess my frustration was that my husband sought his dad's counsel unilaterally, without me.  Obviously in the grand scheme of things that wasn't a huge deal, but I was frustrated that he hadn't counseled with me first.  After all, it was my problem now too.

My husband and father-in-law agreed to wait for me to meet with them too.  My father-in-law wanted to talk to us separately first.  When I got into his car, he asked me about how I was feeling.  He explained to me that this was an addiction that my husband had been struggling with for a long time and that he was shocked that my husband had been dishonest about it and not told me before we got married.  He told me that my husband had only come forward about it once and that all of the other times he had lied and had to be caught.  I began to realize the cycle of deception that is a part of addictions, including pornography addictions.  I was so angry and hurt that my husband had been so dishonest and hid such a terrible thing from me.

I spoke with my husband's father about my husband's addiction and he seemed surprised about how much I understood already about pornography addictions.  Unfortunately, I have had former relationships tainted by pornography use, but at least I had learned from the experiences.  I have also studied about addictions within the coursework of a Family Life minor in my undergraduate career.  I feel like my classes prepared me a little.  My study of the cycle of addictions has not justified addictions in my mind, but has allowed me to understand them a little more and have compassion for those who are caught in their grasp. 

 Most addictions are triggered by a negative emotion of some kind, such as loneliness, failure, fear, stress or pressure.  In an attempt to escape the negative emotion, an individual with an addiction turns to the addictive behavior, whether it be drinking, drugs, excessive eating, pornography, or any other addiction.  The short-term effect of the addictive behavior is generally positive, such as a release of stress, an escape, a momentary rush, excitement, or something of that nature.  Unfortunately, the long-term consequences of the addiction are extremely damaging.  In fact, as guilt, shame, and self-loathing result, the long-term consequences of the addiction are often the same negative emotions that triggered the individual to seek the addictive behavior in the first place.

Learning to view this addictive behavior within this cycle has been insightful for me.  I admit I cannot understand why people turn to drugs, alcohol, pornography, or any other extremely self-destructive behaviors.  However, as a mortal individual with weaknesses, I can to some extent understand the negative cycles that can occur as a result of normal human emotions such as sadness or stress.  This gives me a perspective for understanding addictions, but it does not excuse the sinful behavior.  However, I can recognize how understanding the emotional state and situations that trigger an addiction are important to stopping the addictive behavior.  If someone with an addiction can recognize the feelings that usually make them most vulnerable to their addiction, they can do a lot to stop the addictive behavior before they turn to it.  When they recognize their vulnerability, they can choose a more positive activity to deal with or resolve the negative feelings, such as prayer, scripture study, or exercise.

My husband has not exactly used stress as an excuse for his behavior, but he certainly has explained that it is a part of what has driven him to pornography.  Although I can understand this to some extent, it is a major concern to me because I recognize that stress is likely to be a part of our lives forever.  He has also explained to me that sometimes he feels sad and that he feels like he is constantly battling to meet other people's expectations of him.  It makes me upset because I know that sadness, adversity, and opposition are a normal part of life.  These are real human emotions and that is not going to change.  It is okay to be sad.  We should not be so concerned about keeping up appearances.  Life will be difficult, but how we deal with our trials is what defines us as individuals.  It concerns me that my husband has turned to pornography as an escape instead of dealing with his family's expectations and his negative feelings.  It hurts me as his wife because I have done everything I know how to do to be a good support system for him, yet he hasn't been able to talk to me about these fundamental issues.  

I pray for him every day and I am always looking for ways to serve him and ease his burdens.  I have always put him before myself in every way.  I do not resent him for this because I have found joy in my service.  However, I am sad that he has turned to pornography when I know I have been so available to him as a strength and resource.  I'm so sad that he has allowed Satan into his life and evil into our home.  My soul hurts for his spirit.

Journal Portion 1

It has been a week since I found the pornography on my computer and it has been a very difficult week.  It is really hard to write about my feelings right now, but I have decided it will be a healthy outlet for dealing with the pain.  I also hope that it will help me clarify my thoughts and feelings as one step of the process of trying to re-build my life and know where to go from here.

All of my dreams and visions for the future of my life have been crushed.  It is difficult to portray the complexity of my emotions.  I am so conflicted.  I never thought that I would be faced with a decision of whether to stay married or not.  I am such a fiercely loyal person.  Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought I would be faced with this reality.

One thing I can say is that I have felt the strength of the Lord in all of this.  He is so aware of our individual needs.  I have so much faith in the healing power of the Atonement.  I have so much hope for my future amidst my devastation and despair.

There have been so many layers of emotion this week.  There have also been layers and layers of issues to think about and try to resolve in my head.  I feel exhausted and sick.  Through all the difficulties, I have learned so much about myself as a person.  I am encouraged by this because I have recognized my own strength.  The Lord will always bless us so much when we desire righteousness.  I feel so grateful for my wonderful parents and their support in this and I hurt so much for their pain.

Sometimes I want to talk about my feelings so much, and sometimes I am just quiet and reflective.  It is always helpful to take my thoughts to my parents, but it is especially difficult now that they know because they are now going through their own grieving process.

It is very hard to sit down and process the feelings of this week on-paper all at once.  Its truly just a lot to deal with.  My hope is that I can write daily so that I will only have to try to synthesize the feelings for one day at a time.  I know that it is likely that I won't have the strength to do this on some days, but I hope to do it as much as I can.

I guess to start I could just re-count the events of the week and try to document the feelings in my heart and mind.  Last week, I had the flu and I was very sick.  On Sunday, I was still very sick and I wasn't able to make it to church.  My husband admitted that he used this as an excuse not to go go church either.  I had recognized for several months that the spiritual part of my husband was absent, in fact, quite dead.  At the time I didn't recognize the full degree of this or why it was, but it was a frustration and a concern to me.  We stopped holding Family Home Evening together, I knew he was not reading the scriptures, and he prayed only when I asked him to pray.  Even then, I could tell he was just saying words.  When we went to church, he seemed to have mentally "checked-out" and he never wanted to talk about his thoughts about the gospel.  When he did, it seemed very superficial.  

This has been incredibly hard for me because the gospel is such an important thing to me and I have always loved to discuss and live it.  Although I can see that all of these things were manifestations of my husband's choices, at the time I didn't see clearly how sinful his life was.  He did a very good job of hiding it from me-which completely scares me.  During this time I had determined that maybe he was just not as spiritually mature as I had hoped he was and thought that was just one areas of our marriage that we would have to work on.  I craved spiritual intimacy though and I felt a void in our otherwise very happy marriage.  

I regret that I too became more casual in my own spiritual life.  I wished that we would hold Family Home Evening, but I did not fight my husband about it.  I could tell that it wasn't a priority for him and I just submitted to that.  I found myself so busy and stressed that I sometimes wasn't taking time for meaningful prayer and scripture study.  In fact, when 2009 came, my New Years Resolution was to have more meaningful prayer and to devote a time to read the scriptures or a talk each day.  I certainly remained virtuous in my life and did not let any major sin into my life, but I recognize now that for awhile I became too casual with such important things.  I know better and I am grateful for the reminder of how important these commandments are.  

Anyway, on Sunday, my husband stayed home from church, but still went to our dinner group (we have it with a few of our close friends each week) without me.  When I opened my computer, I was caught off-guard when I saw a file on my desktop that was obviously pornographic in nature.  I then opened the "trash" on my computer and found numerous other files.  They had been opened Friday night around ten p.m.  On Friday night, I was very sick.  I had wanted to get better so that I could focus my time Saturday on school.  I had taken a warm bath, medicine, and my husband tucked me in bed.  It kills me to think that while I was so sick, my husband left me alone and stayed in the front room to look at pornography.  It upsets me because any time that my husband has ever been sick, I have done everything to make him feel better.  I have nurtured him and stayed with him constantly.  He did not come to bed until the early hours of the morning, which was upsetting to me.  He told me he had fallen asleep on the couch.

I was very upset when I found so much pornography on my computer all from that night.  And those were just the files that he downloaded and forgot to delete.  Of course, I wanted to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and I did not jump to any conclusions.  I called him and told him to come home.  After all, I was sick and he had been gone for hours.  When I called him, he had been playing games with our friends.  Unfortunately, I could not immediately confront him because when he came home, two of our friends came over to check on me and visit me since I had been sick.  As soon as they left, I turned off the show we had been watching and told my husband that I needed to talk to him.  

At this point in my journal, I decided that I would need to write more later because there was a CES Fireside that I wanted to listen to.  

My First Entry

It hasn't been very long since I found out about my husband's pornography addiction.  In fact, it was only about two and a half weeks ago.  Unfortunately it feels like its been a lot longer than that.  The battle has been very real.  We were married in the Salt Lake LDS temple last year and have not even reached our first wedding anniversary.  Especially as a newlywed, this is a difficult thing to deal with.  Prophets and apostles are definitely accurate when they have warned that pornography will cause "sweet relationships to sour and marriages to wither."  Before we were married, I felt prompted to ask my husband if he had ever had a problem with pornography.  It was after a Priesthood session where the topic had been addressed.  He lied to me and said that he had never had a problem with it.  I have quickly learned that with any addiction, dishonesty seems fairly inherent.  I have struggled with the fact that he has looked at pornography, but I struggle more with the layers of deception and lies.  It is difficult to know that my husband has been living two lives and tried so hard to keep me from knowing the truth. 

After I discovered the pornography, I was flooded with a large range of emotions-predominantly shock, disbelief, sorrow, anger, and even physical pain and sickness.  I decided to write in a notebook each day to help me deal with my feelings.  Each time that I have written, I have felt a lot more clarity, but sometimes it is difficult to find the strength to write about all of the things that my mind is forced to process at this time.  I've also found that my hand really hurts from all of the writing!  I had considered keeping a journal on my computer, just as a document, since I can type a lot faster than I can write.  And then, as I searched the internet for resources that would be helpful to me, I came across a few blogs written by people who were also dealing with the pornography addictions of loved ones.  It was a huge help to me to be able to read their struggles and emotions.  Finally, someone who knew exactly how I was feeling.  Because of this, I have decided to keep this anonymous blog online.  It will help me to process my emotions through writing and I will be satisfied if it helps even just one other person.  Because of how important the writing process has been to me, my posts will likely be fairly lengthy sometimes.  

I will probably spend my next few posts copying directly from the journal that I have written during the last few weeks.  Then, hopefully I can record my current feelings frequently.  Before I record my specific feelings that I have already put in my notebook, I will convey a brief overview of the last few weeks.

I caught the pornography on my computer on a Sunday night and as soon as my husband and I were alone that evening, I confronted him about the files that I had found.  He lied to me and tried to pretend that the files had been accidentally downloaded because he thought they were something else.  Due to the graphic nature of the file names, I knew this could not have been the case.  He continued to lie to me and I remained very calm.  I told him that I wanted to believe him but that his story simply did not make any sense.  Shortly after, he admitted to me that he had struggled with problems with pornography since high school.  He told me that it had started again about a month ago.  

The next day we met with his father briefly.  I guess his whole family knew about his pornography problems.  During our meeting, my husband confessed that it had not just been the past month that he had been viewing pornography.  He had been looking at it again for almost six months (over half of our marriage).  After we met with his father, we met with our Bishop.  He spoke with us kindly and told us that we should look for professional help.  Later that evening, we decided that we would go together to my parents because they live within about an hour and tell them in-person about his problem.  We decided to do this because I knew I wouldn't be able to talk to very many people, but I would need to at least be able to go to my parents.  Furthermore, my parents would be able to tell that something was wrong and we didn't want them to worry.  My husband agreed that it was a good idea to include them in the process.  Since then, I have met with a trusted professor (I am still a college student) who is a marriage and family therapist.  I trusted her with the situation and she referred me to a personal counselor, a therapist who worked with pornography issues, and a program for couples dealing with pornography issues.  The counselor that she referred me to didn't have any openings for weeks, so my first meeting with her will be tomorrow.  I think it will be helpful for me to have a professional to speak with openly about my feelings.  My husband and I have also met with the therapist who works with pornography issues weekly, and have contacted the leaders of the program for couples.  The program starts in two weeks and we are planning on attending it.  That's a brief recap of the situation and how we are handling it.  My next posts will be portions of my journal from the last few weeks.