Quick Catch Up

I've realized fairly quickly how difficult it really is to write every day. I know it helps me to write, but it sure has been hard. Lately I have been faced with a very real depression. I am trying not to let it overcome or defeat me, but I sure have been feeling my emotions in a very real way. My concerns and pain have taken an excruciating toll on my physical health. Things are getting a little better though in that area. For awhile, I couldn't eat or keep any food down. I lost almost twelve pounds in one week. It scared me a lot when I almost dropped below one hundred. Luckily, in the past week or so I have been able to eat again and have been able to regain a lot of strength. Now my battle is predominantly a mental one, but I am still feeling the physical manifestations of my pain quite a bit too.

I made it out of bed today. I guess to clarify, I always make it out of bed--but I haven't seen too many mornings lately. Between our very lengthy talks that often go into the early morning hours and just the weight of all my emotions, I sure haven't been functioning at my normal level. Anyway, I made it up to campus today. The impact that my husband's pornography use and deception has had on my school work is a huge frustration to me. This semester I am taking 17.0 credits, working, and doing an internship as a research assistant. I have been extremely busy but have also been very satisfied with my efforts. Before the onset of this situation, I was getting very good grades in all of my classes. In fact, I think I had all A's. I know, that's life. Things are going great, you do the best you can, and sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. I am just really frustrated though because my husband's selfishness has again compromised me. Especially after having some health obstacles last semester that prevented me from going to school full-time, I have been really focused on school and doing my best to try to make up for lost time. Now, I feel like back then and now, my husband's actions are constantly "kicking me while I'm down."

Anyway, with that said, I did make it to campus. Tally one victory for the day. I have about twenty minutes before I have to meet with a group to prepare for a presentation this Friday and I can't seem to concentrate on anything, so I thought I would do another brief recap. I obviously can't capture everything that has happened or even begin to convey the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt, but I guess it would be nice for me to cover the highlights.

The week after I found out about everything, I concentrated my efforts on personal prayer and studying the scriptures and conference talks. I also studied LDS materials on pornography. I pondered diligently on the reasons that I was considering divorce and found that I did not think they conflicted with church doctrine. In fact, I know that my motives for considering this as an option are only because I want righteousness and a happy, eternal family. I knew that I needed to forgive my husband regardless of my decision and I was prepared to do that eventually. I just realize that even forgiveness does not remove the consequences of our actions. The Atonement is very real, but it also does not remove all of the consequences of our actions. However, after a lot of prayer, study, and personal reflection, I determined that I would like to stay married, do my very best to be a strength to my husband, and have some faith that he would decide to live a righteous life again.

I went to the temple as a part of a process of asking my Heavenly Father if He would support my decision to stay married. I put my whole faith in my Heavenly Father, knowing that He alone could understand my heart as well as my husband's. I pleaded with him to let me know if this was a wise decision. I yearned for Him to warn me if it was not a good decision. Out of obvious respect for the sacredness of the ordinances performed in the temple, I will not go into detail about my experience. However, I will say, that when I reached the celestial room at the end of the session, I was overcome with so much pain. I was there alone. The strongest insight occurred to me that "it's not as joyful if you're alone." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but the message was clear to me. My husband has not been living his life in a way that makes him worthy to return to live in the Celestial kingdom with me. I would be alone. Watching all of the other people interact warmly to one another, surrounded by their friends and family, I simply sat alone. I knew right then that I sure didn't want to make it back to God alone.

My patriarchal blessing expresses a lot of things that are very relevant to me right now. One thing it stresses is that I will always pray to the Lord and that He will always answer my prayers in the way that is best for me. My blessing tells me that sometimes the answers to my prayers will be immediate and that sometimes I will have to practice "the heavenly value of patience." This has been the case with this decision. I have not felt any confirming notion of my sincere desire to stay married. Instead, I have been given the confirmation that staying married right now is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I do not know what the time frame of this answer is, but I know two things 1) I have much more to learn from this situation and I need to stay with my husband to learn those things and 2) my Heavenly Father requires me to stay married at this time to show my conviction towards keeping the sacred marital covenants I made in the temple when I was married. My husband retains his agency in all of this, but staying in this marriage and giving my husband a second chance for now reflects that I have given everything I could to making this marriage work and holding up my end of sacred covenants. Even if my husband chooses to ultimately disregard his covenants, I will know for sure that I did everything I could to make this marriage work.

I have felt really good about this decision. Like I said, I don't know how long it will last, but I know it is the course of action I need to follow right now. I feel like the spirit has promised me an added measure of discernment during this time that will help me to differentiate truth from deceit and help me continue to make wise and righteous decisions. I am grateful to feel that blessing.

Since my decision to stay married, I have felt a roller coaster of emotions. My husband and I have made a lot of progress together. He seems very committed right now. Our therapy sessions have been a powerful catalyst for change during the week. We are also looking forward to starting the LifeStar program this week, which is specifically geared toward overcoming pornography addictions. At times, I feel a great degree of hope for the future. However, I still feel a great amount of despair. It is difficult because even though my husband and I are having very meaningful and helpful conversations and I know he is headed in the right direction, I still am constantly wondering if I am again just being lied to and deceived. The absence of trust in our relationship makes me second-guess even the most progressive days we have.