Journal Portion 2

I'm feeling devastated today.  It is hitting me more and more how much divorce might be the right choice for me and that hurts so much.  I didn't make it to school today and I am okay with giving myself a break.  My body is just so weak.  I have not been able to find the strength to get out of bed yet today.  It is funny how sometime you feel so alone even though you know that you are not.  It is just such an interesting place to be because whenever I have felt hurt in the past I have gone to my husband.  I still talk to him about my feelings now, but it is obviously different because it is his poor choices that have hurt me so deeply and so I can't trust him.  I have still talked to him a lot about my feelings though because I think that it is an important part of healing my heart.  

I told him to pack up his stuff and find somewhere else to live, but then I changed my mind for at least the short-term because I wanted to be able to talk to him a lot about everything.  I have been very straightforward during the entire week and shared my feelings and concerns.  I think that is important because I know that even though talking to others will help, I really need to talk to him.  I feel like he owes it to me to help me understand and answer my questions.  It has been really hard to talk about his pornography use because it has been so hurtful to me to hear the details, but I think it has been important.  

I wish I felt strong enough to go to the temple today.  I've come to realize that if I am going to feel any confidence in a decision, it will have to come from the Lord and not from me.  Obviously I need to ponder the situation but I HAVE to be willing to accept the answer I get from the Lord.  The Lord knows my heart.  He knows my desire for righteousness and a happy family.  And the Lord is the only one who truly knows my husband's heart.  My husband can deceive me, but he cannot deceive the Lord.  The Lord can foresee the future I will have ahead of me and can help me make the best decision for my future and for the well-being of my future children.  I am so concerned for my future children.  I do not want them to go through the pain that I am experiencing.  I want them to have the blessing of a righteous priesthood holder as a father--and I want that in a husband.