Journal Portion 5

I can't remember everything that I talked to my husband's father about.  Most of it was just about the specific details of my husband's pornography addiction and patterns in his behavior.  But then he told me something that is very true.  I was lied to before I was married and did not have the full truth to base a decision on.  He said that I now have the truth and that the time to decide whether or not to stay married is now.  Not in two years and definitely not in ten years when children are likely to be involved.  The truth of that hit me hard.  My husband's father emphasized that this is not just something that my husband will deal with and get over now.  As a result of his past choices, my husband will deal with this addiction his entire life.  I feel strongly that this is the truth.  It is up to my husband to decide whether he will let this addiction drive him to view pornography, but it is likely that he will always be tempted.

His dad also believes that my husband will relapse in this behavior, be dishonest, and try to hide it every time.  My husband doesn't agree with that, but his track record sure seems to indicate that it is accurate.  I believe that my husband can overcome this.  I don't think he will necessarily succumb to this addiction his whole life even though it will always be an addiction.  So I don't know if what his dad said about about him slipping again and again and lying about it will necessarily be true, but it seems to be the pattern in his life so far and that definitely concerns me.  His parents had found ways to monitor him and recognize signals for when they suspected that he had reverted to pornography.  The thought of having to almost babysit a husband and make sure to watch for signals of pornography is overwhelming to me and almost too much to bear.  

The fact is that my heart has been so torn and broken by this, I just know I couldn't survive if a second chance became a third chance and so on.  I cannot go through this again.  I have literally had a taste of hell this week.  I know that a relapse does not have to occur, but I just don't know if my husband is willing to do what it will take to prevent it.  I question his sincerity.  The fact is, he did not come forward or try to repent--he was caught.  I can see the sorrow he is experiencing now, but I truly question if he is only sorry that he got caught.

I should also note that I have given a lot of thought to being able to tolerate a relapse of some kind.  I am very aware that most people struggling with pornography addictions suffer occasional small relapses.  This does not mean that they should give up or be discouraged.  Even though a small relapse would be difficult, I think I might be able to handle it if my husband was honest about it.  There is a huge distinction between a small slip up and being fully immersed in pornography for great amounts of time with no resolve to be clean again.  I have no tolerance for pornography, but I will have to grapple with the possibility of some small relapses because I want my husband to be honest about them if they do occur.

During the time with my husband's father, I began to be skeptical that this had only been occurring for the month that my husband had originally said.  After I talked to my husband's father alone, we all spoke together for a few moments.  I asked my husband how long he had really been looking at pornography again and told him I felt strongly that he had lied to me at first.  He admitted that it did not just start in January and that it had really started last October.  It had been close to six months that he had been looking at pornography almost daily.  My worst suspicions were confirmed--he had been looking at pornography for over half of our marriage!  I had been lied to and deceived for over half of the time we had spent together married.  I felt like my entire marriage was a fraud and it killed me.