Journal Portion 4

Heavenly Father knows when we have reached our capacity.  I felt so hurt, lost, and empty the night I find out about my husband's pornography problem.  To some degree though, I just felt numb.  I didn't quite know what to say or do.  I knew that the numb feeling would dull eventually and that a new degree of pain would set in, but for the time I was very grateful for the numb feeling.

Well the next day I woke up and tried my best to function as normal.  Heavenly Father was still with me, but the temporary feeling that numbed me was gone.  It was replaced by a heartache that is impossible to explain.  It was in my chest and in my throat.  I just kept wanting to think that "this can't be real" or this can't really be happening.  I was lucky that I didn't have class until the late morning and I got ready slowly, alone with my thoughts.  Sitting through my first class was excruciatingly painful.  I felt so broken and hurt.  My mind kept reflecting on the night before and the image of the terribly obscene file names kept popping in my head-destroying me.  After my class, I half-heartedly went to the computer lab to work on an assignment.  I realized fairly quickly that my mind was not going to cooperate for doing school work and I contemplated going home.

Around this time, my husband texted me and told me that he had called and told his dad that he had been looking at pornography again and that he had lied to me.  He told me that he was meeting his dad in Salt Lake.  I was frustrated that he went to his dad before he talked to me.  I was also frustrated the night before because after he got caught, he left our apartment.  I can understand that he wanted to escape the situation, but so did I and I did not leave!  All I wanted to do was run home to my parents, but I did not.  I don't think that would have been appropriate despite how much I just wanted to leave my situation and run for support.  Although I definitely would have suggested speaking with my husband's father together eventually too, I was upset that he went to him initially without me.  He had gone to his dad as a resource with his pornography problem in the past, but it wasn't just his problem anymore.  By marrying me, it became OUR problem.  (Little did I know though since I had been lied to.)

I was frustrated because the scriptures give very specific counsel about how we should work together when we have been married.  I reflected on lessons about what it means to "leave, cleave, and be one (Genesis 2:24)."  To me, this means that we no longer rely on our former confidants and friends in the same way that we did before.  This means that we do not go running to our parents by ourselves in a time of crisis.  Of course we are still connected to our parents and they will be a constant source of strength and wisdom in our lives, but we shouldn't run to them to solve our problems.  I guess my frustration was that my husband sought his dad's counsel unilaterally, without me.  Obviously in the grand scheme of things that wasn't a huge deal, but I was frustrated that he hadn't counseled with me first.  After all, it was my problem now too.

My husband and father-in-law agreed to wait for me to meet with them too.  My father-in-law wanted to talk to us separately first.  When I got into his car, he asked me about how I was feeling.  He explained to me that this was an addiction that my husband had been struggling with for a long time and that he was shocked that my husband had been dishonest about it and not told me before we got married.  He told me that my husband had only come forward about it once and that all of the other times he had lied and had to be caught.  I began to realize the cycle of deception that is a part of addictions, including pornography addictions.  I was so angry and hurt that my husband had been so dishonest and hid such a terrible thing from me.

I spoke with my husband's father about my husband's addiction and he seemed surprised about how much I understood already about pornography addictions.  Unfortunately, I have had former relationships tainted by pornography use, but at least I had learned from the experiences.  I have also studied about addictions within the coursework of a Family Life minor in my undergraduate career.  I feel like my classes prepared me a little.  My study of the cycle of addictions has not justified addictions in my mind, but has allowed me to understand them a little more and have compassion for those who are caught in their grasp. 

 Most addictions are triggered by a negative emotion of some kind, such as loneliness, failure, fear, stress or pressure.  In an attempt to escape the negative emotion, an individual with an addiction turns to the addictive behavior, whether it be drinking, drugs, excessive eating, pornography, or any other addiction.  The short-term effect of the addictive behavior is generally positive, such as a release of stress, an escape, a momentary rush, excitement, or something of that nature.  Unfortunately, the long-term consequences of the addiction are extremely damaging.  In fact, as guilt, shame, and self-loathing result, the long-term consequences of the addiction are often the same negative emotions that triggered the individual to seek the addictive behavior in the first place.

Learning to view this addictive behavior within this cycle has been insightful for me.  I admit I cannot understand why people turn to drugs, alcohol, pornography, or any other extremely self-destructive behaviors.  However, as a mortal individual with weaknesses, I can to some extent understand the negative cycles that can occur as a result of normal human emotions such as sadness or stress.  This gives me a perspective for understanding addictions, but it does not excuse the sinful behavior.  However, I can recognize how understanding the emotional state and situations that trigger an addiction are important to stopping the addictive behavior.  If someone with an addiction can recognize the feelings that usually make them most vulnerable to their addiction, they can do a lot to stop the addictive behavior before they turn to it.  When they recognize their vulnerability, they can choose a more positive activity to deal with or resolve the negative feelings, such as prayer, scripture study, or exercise.

My husband has not exactly used stress as an excuse for his behavior, but he certainly has explained that it is a part of what has driven him to pornography.  Although I can understand this to some extent, it is a major concern to me because I recognize that stress is likely to be a part of our lives forever.  He has also explained to me that sometimes he feels sad and that he feels like he is constantly battling to meet other people's expectations of him.  It makes me upset because I know that sadness, adversity, and opposition are a normal part of life.  These are real human emotions and that is not going to change.  It is okay to be sad.  We should not be so concerned about keeping up appearances.  Life will be difficult, but how we deal with our trials is what defines us as individuals.  It concerns me that my husband has turned to pornography as an escape instead of dealing with his family's expectations and his negative feelings.  It hurts me as his wife because I have done everything I know how to do to be a good support system for him, yet he hasn't been able to talk to me about these fundamental issues.  

I pray for him every day and I am always looking for ways to serve him and ease his burdens.  I have always put him before myself in every way.  I do not resent him for this because I have found joy in my service.  However, I am sad that he has turned to pornography when I know I have been so available to him as a strength and resource.  I'm so sad that he has allowed Satan into his life and evil into our home.  My soul hurts for his spirit.