Nothing Too New

Well, I'm going to be brief tonight. I've spent the last few hours reading through blog posts written by loved ones of addicts on the website LDSAR.org. It's a wonderful website and I feel a great comfort knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem. My heart hurts that so many others are affected, but I do get a lot of comfort from reading the entries of other people who know exactly how I feel. It's interesting and sad to me how similar most of our situations are. We are all dealing with the impact of pornography and sexual addiction and how it has destroyed our spirits, broken our hearts, and hurt our husbands. Satan is very real and powerful today. I hate when people view pornography as a victimless crime. It certainly does destroy individuals, relationships, and families. My heart aches for every woman who is affected by the sexual addiction of a husband. At the same time, I also feel pity for the addicts who have allowed themselves to become trapped by this addiction. It reminds me of the scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about how the Devil has the cunning ability to drag our souls carefully down to hell.

As for me, I am still striving to find personal peace and answers to my perpetual questions. Lately, I continue to battle sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and some degree of depression. I am finding healthy ways to deal. I'm finding that one of the most important principles that I have to keep in mind is balance and moderation. I am learning that to keep my sanity, I can't spend all of my time obsessing about the uncertainty of my future and I have to take time to enjoy life at the moment. However, it certainly is difficult to find peace when I am so unsure about the next steps in my life. I have continued to feel confident about the "year deadline" I set for myself to wait before making any kind of final decision about my marriage. As it approaches, I do feel a lot of emotion. I was talking briefly with my mother about my current emotional state and conveyed to her that I was feeling quite exhausted by life. Stability in life breeds peace and I certainly lack both of those things.

I'm re-committing to being more diligent in meaningful personal prayer and scripture study on a daily basis. I have felt uplifted as I have again tried to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. For several months, my anger and sorrow overwhelmed me and eclipsed my personal testimony and dedication to the Gospel. I am grateful for a good friend who called me out on my own lack of dedication and helped me realize that it was doing me absolutely no good to hold resentment towards my Heavenly Father. I know it was a tender mercy that I even found out about this looming problem in my marriage and don't continue to live in blissful, but terrible ignorance. I thank my Heavenly Father for the progress I see in my marriage, the strength He gives me individually to face each day, and the friends who support me when I simply cannot go on alone any longer.

Still Doing The Best I Can

I'm in a really bad place mentally right now so I thought it might be a good idea to try to write about my thoughts and feelings. For awhile I was really good at recording my thoughts on my blog, but then I always feel like I have to write something profound, or I have to be perfectly optimistic and inspirational. I think what I really need personally is a more stream-of-consciousness approach that will help me to process my thoughts and feelings. And I guess I also need to write in a place where I am not afraid that my thoughts will be judged, so I don't have to filter what I am saying. One big reason that I feel like I have to portray a perfect example is because I represent myself as an LDS woman. I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ found in LDS doctrine is perfect and so I don't want to misrepresent it at all by depicting my imperfect, human self. I hope that makes sense and I hope that anyone who reads my ramblings recognizes that although my thoughts aren't always perfect, I am trying to process all of my feelings in a Christ-like way.

I have been extremely depressed lately. I read somewhere today that spouses who find about about their husband's sexual addiction often experience almost all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I can definitely look back at the last year and recognize high amounts of uneasiness, anxiety, depression, anger, and even rage. Sometimes I just don't think that this is a burden that I can handle. I feel so uneasy and sad, despite the fact that over nine months have passed. I wonder if I should see a counselor again individually, but it is such a financial burden. Plus, its hard for me to want to spill my soul in such a non-personal atmosphere. I like having someone as a sounding board, but I would much rather talk to someone who really cares about me and not someone who is just being paid to listen. At the same time, when I talk to those who care about me and know about the situation, they all have their own obvious biases. I know that they are all trying to help, but I think each of them is hurt for me and has their own personal agenda regarding the situation.

A few nights ago, I had my ITunes open and my husband spotted a video that I had made him shortly after we got engaged. He was excited and wanted to watch it. It was a video that I had put together of pictures of us in our first year of dating together. I had put the slideshow to music and had told the story of our dating, courtship, and when he had proposed to me. I had written many reasons why I loved him. It was completely devastating to me to watch the video because it reminded me that I used to think of him that way. My eyes used to light up when I saw him. I saw my whole future in him. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I was truly in love with him and its a sharp contrast to my current feelings of betrayal and loss. He was my best friend. I know that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws, but I am just having a really hard time getting past the dishonesty that has existed in our relationship. I feel really sad knowing that I still don't trust him. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. When I think about it, I just have a bad feeling in my gut.

Its been long enough since the exposure of his addiction, that our lives have somewhat returned to normal. Despite a degree of normalcy, I still feel burdened by concerns every single day. I feel like I am straddling this huge gap--on one side I am trying to live a full, vibrant, loving and normal life with my husband, pretending that everything is okay--and on the other side, I am grappling with the possibility of divorce every day. I feel like I am on the most dangerous emotional rollercoaster ever constructed. I wish I could find more peace in my marriage. Even when nothing is going wrong, it still just doesn't feel right. I'm constantly wondering if I am still just being deceived. Is this because of my own shortcomings and inability to move forward or is this because I am discerning trouble that is simply unseen?

I've been really upset about something lately. Really, it's a pretty dumb thing to be upset about, but seeing my close friends start families has triggered a whole myriad of sad feelings for me. I hate to say it, but I am a little envious of my friends who are settling down and having babies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to have a baby. I guess the fact that they are stable enough to be considering starting a family makes me envious. It started a few weeks ago when we talked about family planning and the transition to parenthood in the Marriage Enhancement class that I TA for. Several couples announced that they were pregnant and we spent the class talking about parenting. It really made me realize what a huge priority having children is for me someday. It made me want to talk to my husband and think about a timeline for us. But then that just makes me return to the realization that there is absolutely no stability in my marriage and that I don't even know if I will reach a point where I will ever have children with him.

Similarly, one of our favorite couples to hang out with is moving across the nation this month. I was talking to her about the move and the huge transition that they are about to make. She is uprooting from everything she knows to move for her husband to take a job. They will likely be there for three to five years, and then who knows where they will live. The whole time we were talking I noticed how comfortable she was with the whole thing. They are excited to move and start their family. They don't care that they are leaving their friends behind and will be far from the rest of their family. She is just thrilled about moving with her husband and having a baby. She's so excited about this next step. I guess that got me thinking about how insecure I am in my marriage. I wish I had some of that stability and felt like I was in a healthier place. That's really all I want. Down the road, I just want the kids and the daily struggles of family life. I want to grow old with someone who loves me and cares enough about me to put me first. As life brings hard times, I want to be able to rely on one constancy--that there is someone there for me who I can love and trust.

I have more constructive things to write about, but I'm really tired and think the most healthy use of my time right now is probably just to go to sleep. I hope this didn't come across as too whiney, but I guess sometimes it good for me to write out my feelings and make sure I'm not trying to play the victim or that I'm not caught too much in the role of a martyr. I've noticed my own tendency to do this sometimes and I really want to stay accountable for not doing that. There's a fine line between admitting to the hurt that has been inflicted upon me and letting it ruin my life. I hope to be more positive and optimistic tomorrow.

Patience

Well, its been a little over five months since "Black Sunday"--I stole that phrase from a chat with my dad one day.  I'm really learning patience because I feel like five months is a long time, but within the context of overcoming addiction and healing a marriage, its only a small moment.  I haven't written for awhile because there hasn't been the same degree of momentous events, terrible discoveries, and agonizing days that there was when I initially found out about my husband's sexual addiction.  Some days I feel like we are back to normal life.  However, I realize that even though nothing is necessarily new, I should probably still record my thoughts, feelings, and any progress that I see being made.  

Its been really hard not to be down lately, despite a lot of progress.  My husband was recently given his temple recommend again and we were able to attend the sealing of one of my best friends and also his sister's sealing.  It was very nice to be in the temple with him again.  It sure beats being there alone.  However, I guess my joy was somewhat fleeting because I only feared that it will soon come a day where I will just be alone again.  It is really hard to feel joy to the same extent as before.  When trust is gone, it is difficult to love.  I wonder if I will ever love my husband like I used to.

Not to be ungrateful, I do see enormous progress and our relationship has been strengthened in some ways over the last five months.  I feel very close to my husband again at certain times.  I know if we both continue to work on our individual recovery, we can continue to see progress.  

Anniversary

We celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend.  I was worried that it would be a really depressing day.  Reflecting on our first year of marriage conjures thoughts of deception, dishonesty, and sin--not exactly great reasons to celebrate.  The day had some very difficult moments as I thought about how much fear I have that my husband will just hurt me again.  I tried so hard to be optimistic and positive, but I ended up succumbing to my sadness a few different times during the day.  I ended up crying a good amount that night and wishing I wasn't left with such a void of trust in my marriage.  

At the same time, I still felt inklings of hope that my marriage can be saved and that there was reason to celebrate our anniversary.  In the last few months, my husband and I have learned a lot about one another and shared so much.  Because we have been so focused on being vigilantly honest, the transparency we share with one another has created a new and meaningful intimacy between us.  My husband promises me that our first year of marriage will be our worst.  As depressing as it is has been to have such a rocky newlywed year, I'm grateful we're moving forward and making progress.  If we face these challenges together now, I know we can establish a healthy precedent for coping with the future obstacles that life will inevitably bring us.  I do feel that my husband loves me and even though my pain is still great, I do feel some happiness again with him.  

The Last Couple Weeks

BYU Finals Week ends today. The last few weeks have been very busy with school commitments. I know that's not a good excuse for failing to record my thoughts more frequently. Hopefully I will do better at recording more of my personal journey through this trial. I think sometimes it is still just too exhausting to try to write about the emotions I am feeling.

My husband and I have seen a lot of progress together lately. However, last Saturday night was a really bad night. We were at Smiths and I told my husband to choose a movie from the Redbox while I grabbed a couple things. I returned to the front of the store and spotted him. He didn't see me, but I watched him checking out a girl in front of him. I understand that guys will notice an attractive women, but this was much more than "taking notice." He was completely checking her out and blatantly lusting after her. I got a really sick feeling. Then, he realized I was standing there watching the whole thing and I know he was embarrassed. He walked up to me and immediately made a comment about how "skankily" she was dressed, trying to put the blame on her and brushing it aside. We paid for our groceries and I just expressed my frustration and pain at watching him check out another women so intently.

When we got in the car, he said, "I'm sorry. I was lusting after her. I was totally out of control." I know he has had a sexual addiction for almost twelve years, but it is still amazing to me how "powerless" over lust he is. In fact, recognizing that you are powerless over lust is the first tenant of Sexaholics Anonymous, which my husband has recently joined. Lust binds him and keeps him captive to sin continually and it is extremely hurtful to a wife. My heart longs to have a husband who only has eyes for me.

I've struggled so much lately, but I have had a lot of support. I'm grateful for my friends, family, and the support group that I have gained through S-Anon. Although it hurts me so much to know that so many women are pained because of similar circumstances, it is nice to have the help from those who truly know my pain. One of my new friends from the group recommended that I get a priesthood blessing. A wise reader of my blog had actually recommended it to me recently too.

My dad came down on Monday and we had a wonderful conversation. My dad is such a good man. I am so grateful for his worthiness to exercise his priesthood. I wish my husband could do the same. My dad gave me a powerful priesthood blessing that gave me so much comfort and strength. I have continually expressed that lately it has been very difficult to discern between Heavenly Father's admonitions and the influence of the adversary. I wonder if Heavenly Father is warning me that my situation is dangerous and I should leave my marriage or if Satan is just manipulating my fears and trying to destroy a marriage that could be healthy again. Through the priesthood, my father blessed me with an added measure of discernment. He also revoked the power of Satan during this decision-making process, so that when I come to a decision, I can know that it is from the Lord. What a powerful promise through the blessings of the priesthood! It provided me with so much relief and guidance. He told me to be mindful of the teachings in the scriptures about revelation and listen knowing that answers would be coming from Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for a loving earthly father who was able to convey such a peaceful and direct message from a loving Heavenly Father.

My Plan of Action

In the LifeSTAR program, we were challenged to create a Plan of Action outlining our specific plans for recovery and healing. It is a "long-term, written schedule to help [me] stay committed and consistent in the behaviors that will be essential to [my] own healing" (LifeSTAR Toolbox for Partners workbook). Although my Plan of Action doesn't include any large deviations from what I am already doing, I think it is important to write out my commitments so I can be reminded of them daily.

PLAN OF ACTION:

My Bottom Lines
"Bottom lines are a written record of what defines healthy living for you" (LifeSTAR Toolbox for Partners workbook).

• I will not let my husband's addiction interfere with school and work. I will not obsess about his problem and allow it to halt my individual academic, career, and personal goals.

• I will not isolate myself because of my husband's addiction. I will freely share the situation, along with my feelings and emotions, with my family and close friends.

• I will not dwell on the past. I will remain optimistic and recognize progress.

• I will recognize my agency in my marriage. I will not let my fierce loyalty keep me captive in an unhealthy relationship. If my husband relapses in his addiction and tells me about it, I will separate at least temporarily. If my husband relapses and hides it from me or engages in other dishonest behavior, I will divorce.

• I will not allow others to manipulate me or my decision-making process. I will listen respectfully to the perspectives of others, but I will ultimately make decisions based on my own values, feelings, and desires. I will "own" my decisions. I will pray to the Lord for confirmation of my decisions and heed that counsel alone.

My Survival Kit
A survival kit is a small kit you compile of meaningful items that will help you regain perspective during difficult times. It has been recommended to put it in a container that you can keep with you.

• I have completed my survival kit and carry it with me in my purse. It includes a small copy of my patriarchal blessing, pictures of my family, a CD slideshow of pictures of my great grandma, my favorite quote from President Hinckley, a list of people I can call when I am in need of support, a dollar to remind me of the importance of self-care, and a small notebook to record my thoughts. I will continue to add to it when I recognize something that would be a helpful addition.

Phone Call Tool

• If I need the support, I have made a list of individuals I can call for help.
  

Meetings

• I will attend S-Anon meetings when it is a priority to me at the time. When my schedule permits and I choose to, I will gain great strength from the support network and extend help to others as well.

• When needed, my husband and I will continue to see our counselor at LDS Family Services.

• If needed, I will see a counselor at BYU.

Personal Reflection

• I will read daily from books that will aid me in my recovery. I will read books that I find enjoyable and helpful, including books about addiction, healing, and co-dependency.

• I will reflect on my emotions and current progress in the healing process by writing in my journal at least weekly, if not more.

Spirituality

• I will pray at least every morning and every night. I will take the time to ponder and listen for answers throughout each day.

• I will live my live consistent with the gospel and work diligently to always have the Spirit as my constant companion.

• I will read the scriptures with my husband every day.

• I will read the scriptures individually every day.

• I will pray to Heavenly Father to help me be more aware of opportunities to serve others. I will take care of myself so that I will be capable of helping others more fully. I will also attend the temple for service and worship at least once a month.

Exercise

• I will find an enjoyable way to exercise for at least thirty minutes at least five times a week. I will get outside and enjoy the nice weather or go to one of my favorite classes at the gym.

Rest and Relaxation

• I will do my best to get adequate sleep. When my mind makes it difficult to sleep, I will get up and make a list of the things on my mind and return to them the next day. I will pray when it is difficult to sleep.

• During the week, I will be in bed no later than midnight.

• I will take healthy breaks each day and allow myself to do something fun each week.

• I will continue to watch very little, if any, television.

Nutritional Guidelines

• I will continue to enjoy cooking. I will prepare most meals at home and eat three balanced meals a day. I will continue to incorporate fruits and vegetables in my diet and make healthy choices while grocery shopping.

• I will give myself a break from cooking when needed and make healthy choices when eating out.

• I will continue to eat sweets/treats in moderation.

Interests

• I will read good books.

• I will listen to uplifting music that makes me feel happy.

• I will write for my own enjoyment.

• I will develop my talents academically.

• I will continue to prepare myself for graduate school. I will continue to focus on my university courses, research positions, and GRE preparation.

Goals

• I will do a monthly self-inventory on my Plan of Action and evaluate how I am doing. I will re-commit to those aspects that are in need of improvement and make any necessary adjustments.

Things Are Looking Up

My professor, a marriage and family therapist, reminded me last week that "things will get worse before they get better."  That has definitely been true so far and I know there will be a lot of bumps in the road of recovery for both my husband and I.  But I am so happy that I feel that my husband is in recovery.  I feel that he sincerely wants to change his life.  I've seen glimpses of how happy we can be together.  My husband is reading a book called Out of the Ashes.  It is an LDS guide to helping a betrayed spouse heal in the aftermath of sexual sin.  The book explains that as we make progress, we will have small "glimmers of hope" that will show us how much joy we can have if we continue in the right direction.  We have definitely had many of these moments and are glowing closer to each other than we have ever been.

After weeks of consideration, temporary separation, and fervent prayer with my Heavenly Father, I have decided to stay married for at least the duration of our main therapy program, Lifestar.  Lifestar is a group therapy experience designed for sexual addicts and their partners.  It will last about a year.  So far, it has been very helpful and I believe it will continue to be a valuable resource to us.  Even though all of the avenues of therapy are taking a lot of our time, I really look forward to going to each of them.  I have decided that as long as I see that my husband is continually progressing and doing his best to recover, I will stand by him.  I will put my fears aside and trust in the Lord.  A little at a time, I will trust in my husband again.  I am so proud of him and the progress that he has made so far.  I'm learning to know my best friend again.  

Even though I still have concerns about looking out for myself, I have yielded those to the Lord.  He will watch out for me and I know I can be guided and directed by Him as long as I stay in tune with His will.  I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone else, but it has been a tremendous learning experience so far.  I hope I can continue to make the best of it.