Journal Portion 3

My thoughts are all over the place when I try to write.  I feel like I have a strong hold on my thoughts and convictions, its just hard to write it all.  I guess I will start again where I left off before the fireside the other day.  Sunday night, after my friends left, I told my husband I wanted to talk to him about something.  I was very calm about it and all I said was, "I found some files on the computer and wondered if you could explain them."  He knew exactly what I was talking about and immediately jumped into an explanation about how Friday night he had wanted to stream an NBA game online, but that he had chanced upon some links that were not right.  Earlier in the week we had been doing a search for the TV show The Office and had accidentally stumbled upon an inappropriate link.  Of course, we didn't click on it and just hit back on the browser so we didn't see anything inappropriate.  I guess he was making an attempt to conveniently use the same concept.  But of course that was different because these weren't just links, they were downloaded windows media files.  

He then looked at me and said, "You know I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you."  I wanted to believe him, but I sensed that I wasn't getting the whole truth.  Because of the explicit nature of the file names, he would have had to known what he was downloading before he opened them.  Plus there were numerous files, not just one.  I told him that I believed him, but asked him if he would show me what he was talking about for my own benefit.  He said there was a website with a bunch of different internet "stations" that allowed you to watch sports games and that one of them just must not have been what it claimed to be.  He then appeared to be "searching" for the supposed website that he had "been using to try to get an NBA game" and it became pretty evident that he was not telling the truth.  Even then, I still believed him.  It truly scared me what a good liar he is.  Finally after a few minutes of pointless "searching" I got up to brush my teeth.  I looked at him and all I said was "that doesn't make sense."

When I walked out of the bathroom, he met me with a face and disposition that said it all.  He quickly spilled, "I don't want this to become an issue.  I've had a problem with pornography since high school  It has started again-since last month."  I just sat on the couch, stunned.  I was so hurt that he had lied to my face.  I quickly reflected on a time when we were dating that I had asked him if he had ever had a problem with pornography.   It was after a priesthood session near General Conference and the prophet had addressed the problem of pornography.  I can sort of understand why he did, but he had lied to me then too.  It was hard to take in.

I asked him exactly when he started viewing pornography again and when he did it.  He told me it was a few weeks into January and that he had been accessing it on the internet during the day when he came home for lunch between school and work.  The part that killed me the most then was that I knew he had probably frequently been texting me while he was looking at pornography.  It blew my mind.  

I asked him if he just thought I would never find out and he said, "No it always comes out."  Then I said, "So you knew that I would find out.  What did you think that would do to me?"  He answered that he knew it would destroy me.  I was so upset and then replied, "So you knew I would find out and that it would absolutely destroy me, but you still did it?"  It really hurts that he consciously put pornography above me.  He always says "you are the most important thing to me" but that is obviously not true.  It hurts me so much how selfish he is.