Nothing Too New

Well, I'm going to be brief tonight. I've spent the last few hours reading through blog posts written by loved ones of addicts on the website LDSAR.org. It's a wonderful website and I feel a great comfort knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem. My heart hurts that so many others are affected, but I do get a lot of comfort from reading the entries of other people who know exactly how I feel. It's interesting and sad to me how similar most of our situations are. We are all dealing with the impact of pornography and sexual addiction and how it has destroyed our spirits, broken our hearts, and hurt our husbands. Satan is very real and powerful today. I hate when people view pornography as a victimless crime. It certainly does destroy individuals, relationships, and families. My heart aches for every woman who is affected by the sexual addiction of a husband. At the same time, I also feel pity for the addicts who have allowed themselves to become trapped by this addiction. It reminds me of the scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about how the Devil has the cunning ability to drag our souls carefully down to hell.

As for me, I am still striving to find personal peace and answers to my perpetual questions. Lately, I continue to battle sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and some degree of depression. I am finding healthy ways to deal. I'm finding that one of the most important principles that I have to keep in mind is balance and moderation. I am learning that to keep my sanity, I can't spend all of my time obsessing about the uncertainty of my future and I have to take time to enjoy life at the moment. However, it certainly is difficult to find peace when I am so unsure about the next steps in my life. I have continued to feel confident about the "year deadline" I set for myself to wait before making any kind of final decision about my marriage. As it approaches, I do feel a lot of emotion. I was talking briefly with my mother about my current emotional state and conveyed to her that I was feeling quite exhausted by life. Stability in life breeds peace and I certainly lack both of those things.

I'm re-committing to being more diligent in meaningful personal prayer and scripture study on a daily basis. I have felt uplifted as I have again tried to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. For several months, my anger and sorrow overwhelmed me and eclipsed my personal testimony and dedication to the Gospel. I am grateful for a good friend who called me out on my own lack of dedication and helped me realize that it was doing me absolutely no good to hold resentment towards my Heavenly Father. I know it was a tender mercy that I even found out about this looming problem in my marriage and don't continue to live in blissful, but terrible ignorance. I thank my Heavenly Father for the progress I see in my marriage, the strength He gives me individually to face each day, and the friends who support me when I simply cannot go on alone any longer.