New Church Website

I wanted to share this website that the church has recently published. It provides articles relevant to individuals struggling with pornography, spouses, church leaders, youth, and parents. I just found it, but I can already tell it will be an amazing resource!

http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/

The Next Step

I have decided to take the next leap of faith. My husband and I will be purchasing a condo together this month. I have waited a year and I still feel optimistic about my husband's recovery and our marriage. I think that the weight of this decision has triggered a lot of days like the one of my last blog entry in February. I have been very stressed, but in the end--I still feel peace in my decisions.

I feel concerned because it is a stressful time for my husband and he has taken on more hours at work. Last year, his grueling work schedule made him very susceptible to his addiction and was a large factor in his significant relapse. I haven't talked to him about my concerns about this yet, but I hope we can talk soon. We have both been sick for the last few weeks and we are just barely scraping by. It seems like we haven't had enough energy for any real connection or conversation lately. I hope we can talk about my concerns about his new schedule soon. I want to find ways that I can be a strength to him. I also hope we can deal with the additional stress together, rather than allowing it to isolate us.

It's an interesting feeling posting such a personal journal online. I guess I don't mind giving others a glimpse of my own human experience. It seems like we learn a lot from each other along the way. Here's my real, raw self--anonymously, of course :)

My Story of Hope

A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law invited each of the women in our families to reflect on our lives and share our own messages of finding hope during a difficult time. I thought I would share my own reflection of hope.

About a year ago, I discovered my husband's sexual addiction. With this discovery, I became aware of a myriad of deception and lies in our every-day life together. Because this is a story of hope, I won't focus on the devastation and impact this has had on me personally, but it is sufficient to say that the bonds of trust we had worked to create in our relationship were quickly destroyed. Where love once was, there was only hurt and despair. A relationship that was once my greatest joy became my greatest pain.

Through a process of sincere prayer, I felt guided to stay in my marriage. Although I cannot control my husband's addiction, or predict the future, I have learned the power of hope through my personal healing process. During the last year, I re-committed to being more diligent in meaningful personal prayer and scripture study on a daily basis. Although I am not perfect in these habits, I always feel uplifted as I strive to strengthen my relationship with the Lord.

For a few months of the last year, my anger and sorrow overwhelmed me and eclipsed my personal testimony and dedication to the Gospel. I am grateful for a good friend who gently reminded me where to find peace. As I let go of resentment, I now recognize that it was a tender mercy that I found out about this problem in my marriage. After becoming aware of this problem, we have been able to work together to combat this devastating influence in our lives. I am so grateful for my wonderful husband—for his humility, his dedication to his recovery, and for his love and patience with me and my own weaknesses.

I have also found an increased hope as I have reached out to other women in similar situations. Because many of us have been hurt by inappropriate use of the internet, I decided to use the internet in a healthy way to help other loved ones of pornography addicts connect and support one another. I started an anonymous blog online to journal my feelings and help others in the situation realize that they are not alone. I know that many of us struggle to find support while still respecting the privacy of our dear husbands. Through this medium, I have been grateful to connect with and personally e-mail other women on a daily basis. Each of their examples has inspired me to have more faith, do more good, and be more compassionate.

I thank my Heavenly Father for the progress I see in my marriage, the strength He gives me individually to face each day, and the friends and family who support me when I simply cannot go on alone any longer. As always, the ultimate source of my hope comes from my Savior, Jesus Christ. Our growth and experience this past year has been a great reminder that “whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” Through the Atonement, I know that we can find hope, comfort, and peace despite the difficulties that this mortal experience will bring. The Atonement knows no limits—it can ease the sting of death, liberate the captive from sin, and can certainly heal marriages and family relationships. I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and the hope it brings.

A Down Day

I'm feeling pretty angry and irritated with life right now. Where is my spirit of optimism? I hope I find it again soon. I hate feeling bitter.

Internet Filters

I recently had a reader write me a question about internet filters. She asked if I knew anything about internet filters, if I used one, and if I recommended using them. I thought my response might be helpful to others, so I think I'll just go ahead and post an excerpt of my e-mail back to her.

"...I think internet filters can be an important step in keeping your marriage and family safe from the harm of pornography. They are a great external barrier from inappropriate material. With that said, filters can only do so much. Often, even with a very good filter, someone seeking inappropriate material can still access it. There are several ways to get around even the best filters.

Thus, a filter should be used as PART of a defense system against pornography use, but cannot be the ONLY part of it. When we saw a counselor at LDS Family Services, she distinguished between external vs. internal barriers. External barriers to pornography are things like a filter, keeping the computer in a public place, not using the computer when alone, etc. Internal barriers are things that motivate someone to abstain from pornography, like going to counseling, participating in a 12 Step Group, reading the scriptures, working with a bishop, etc. In the long run, if someone addicted to pornography is going to improve, they have to have internal barriers in place- because they can always find a way to get around the external ones.

In short, true abstinence from pornography must stem from a real desire to change, not just the presence of a filter.

I do recommend using a filter on your computer, but you can't rely on it to mend the problem alone. Having a filter in place helps to give an addict, or someone trying to view pornography, a barrier. If they try to access pornography in a moment of weakness and the filter stops them, it gives them a minute to think "do I really want to do this?" However, if they really want to get to the material, often a filter isn't going to stop them."

I hope this makes sense to everyone. Feel free to send me your questions about filters and I can even make some recommendations if you would like. Also, feel free to e-mail me with suggestions of external or internal barriers that have helped your loved ones abstain from pornography. I'm sorry for the many aching hearts out there and hope we can continue to help one another.

Feeling Some Stability

I don't have much time to record my thoughts, but I wanted to make an entry while I am feeling pretty good and generally happy. Things have been going well lately. I'm happy that we may soon be celebrating a full year without pornography in our home. That is a huge victory and I am so proud of my husband. Lately, he has shared many of his insights on his recovery and it seems that attending the 12-Step group has been the most fundamental instrument in his success. He has been very vigilant in avoiding situations that would be a temptation for him. Lately, he has shared with me when he is feeling weak or susceptible to his addiction, and has allowed me to help strengthen him. That has been a good experience for us as a couple.

I have been doing better personally too. I still struggle with some uneasiness and anxiousness, but I am feeling more stable. I decided to take some classes this semester to help me focus on some things I need to complete before I can graduate, help me feel less isolated, and give me things to accomplish with less time to dwell on the negative. This has been extremely helpful and I am really enjoying the classes and semester. I'll be looking for another job soon too, hopefully. I'm trying to get my feet planted back where they were before this disaster was unveiled last year and move forward with my personal progression. I am grateful for the things I have learned this last year, but I am still devastated by the mechanism for those lessons. I hope things continue to improve and I am doing my best to stay positive and grateful!

Nothing Too New

Well, I'm going to be brief tonight. I've spent the last few hours reading through blog posts written by loved ones of addicts on the website LDSAR.org. It's a wonderful website and I feel a great comfort knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem. My heart hurts that so many others are affected, but I do get a lot of comfort from reading the entries of other people who know exactly how I feel. It's interesting and sad to me how similar most of our situations are. We are all dealing with the impact of pornography and sexual addiction and how it has destroyed our spirits, broken our hearts, and hurt our husbands. Satan is very real and powerful today. I hate when people view pornography as a victimless crime. It certainly does destroy individuals, relationships, and families. My heart aches for every woman who is affected by the sexual addiction of a husband. At the same time, I also feel pity for the addicts who have allowed themselves to become trapped by this addiction. It reminds me of the scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about how the Devil has the cunning ability to drag our souls carefully down to hell.

As for me, I am still striving to find personal peace and answers to my perpetual questions. Lately, I continue to battle sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and some degree of depression. I am finding healthy ways to deal. I'm finding that one of the most important principles that I have to keep in mind is balance and moderation. I am learning that to keep my sanity, I can't spend all of my time obsessing about the uncertainty of my future and I have to take time to enjoy life at the moment. However, it certainly is difficult to find peace when I am so unsure about the next steps in my life. I have continued to feel confident about the "year deadline" I set for myself to wait before making any kind of final decision about my marriage. As it approaches, I do feel a lot of emotion. I was talking briefly with my mother about my current emotional state and conveyed to her that I was feeling quite exhausted by life. Stability in life breeds peace and I certainly lack both of those things.

I'm re-committing to being more diligent in meaningful personal prayer and scripture study on a daily basis. I have felt uplifted as I have again tried to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. For several months, my anger and sorrow overwhelmed me and eclipsed my personal testimony and dedication to the Gospel. I am grateful for a good friend who called me out on my own lack of dedication and helped me realize that it was doing me absolutely no good to hold resentment towards my Heavenly Father. I know it was a tender mercy that I even found out about this looming problem in my marriage and don't continue to live in blissful, but terrible ignorance. I thank my Heavenly Father for the progress I see in my marriage, the strength He gives me individually to face each day, and the friends who support me when I simply cannot go on alone any longer.