Can't Sleep

I'm feeling a lot of pain tonight.  I can't sleep because I am too mad.  I can't talk to my husband because I am too upset.  I wish I was just the type that could have a good cry and let out a lot of the emotion, but that's not my personality so I guess I will just have to try to write a lot of it out.  That's not to say that I don't cry or that I think there is anything wrong with crying, I just wish I could find the strength to cry.  That probably doesn't even make sense, but I have only cried once since I found out and even though it was only for a minute, it felt really good.  I wish I could just get swallowed up in a big hug from someone who cares about me and really let it out.  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes--hey, maybe this is helping.  Nope, they always get to that same point.  My eyes start to get a little watery, but it always seems to stop there.  It makes me really upset that my husband can be passed out on the bed just sleeping while my soul is so tormented that I cannot rest.  

Lately I have had a difficult time discerning between answers from Heavenly Father and Satan's deceptive ways.  I know that probably sounds strange, but I just know that Satan is real.  I recognize how badly he wants my marriage to fail.  He can never have or experience the beauty of a satisfying covenant marriage and I know he wants so badly to rob me of it too.  I mean, its pretty easy to recognize the trend that society has towards marriage and see that the Devil definitely has his hand in it.  I guess somehow I always thought I was above that or "that won't happen to me."  Satan can always have influence on all of us, if we let him.  I know it is true that even the most elite can be deceived.  Well, I know that Satan has tempted my husband and is trying to destroy his life and our marriage through this addiction.  Additionally, now I can feel his influence as it tries to keep my soul furrowed up in depression and uncertainty.  I know that these feelings are a result of my husband's deception, but Satan truly wants to capitalize on it and keep me dragging in my sorrow.  I know I have to be proactive as much as I am capable of so that I don't allow Satan to overpower my hope for my future.  

I'm very analytical.  Like most things, this can be a strength and a weakness.  In this situation, I am constantly over-analyzing everything.  I know that I need balance in my life and that I can't be always so focused on this that I don't attend to my every day life, but it is hard because this situation has affected most aspects of my life.  As I ponder, I often have major warning flags in my mind because of my husband's past behavior.  I worry that I am just being deceived again and that no matter what I am going to be living with someone who is only outwardly committed to the gospel and who will always choose to live two lives.  I guess I have had a hard time deciding whether these inclinations are warning signs from Heavenly Father or simply just discouragement coming from the Devil.  It is really hard to tell.

It's hard to have to look out for yourself in a marriage.  I am so used to looking to fulfill the needs of my husband and trying to be mindful of my needs doesn't come naturally.  I have talked to my husband and others about this concept a few times, but it is something that I have had a hard time dealing with.  It is hard to stop and recognize "my husband has been looking out for himself," and "I have been looking out for my husband."  Who has been looking out for me?  Its a harsh moment when you realize that you have to look out for your own well-being because your spouse just simply hasn't been doing that.  So I am so conscious of making it very clear that it's me or the pornography and that I refuse to tolerate that kind of offensive and degrading material.  I also will not tolerate any more dishonesty.

Last week I discovered that there has been financial dishonesty as well.  My husband recently traded in our large plasma TV for another one that was larger and had a better HD resolution.  At first, he told me that he simply traded in the TV and that it was the same price.  Later on, when I questioned him more firmly, he admitted that the TV had cost us an additional $50.  Well, when I finally looked at our credit card statement, that was simply not the case.  I was extremely upset at the blatant dishonesty and confronted him.  I finally got the real story--the TV was $150 more than the one he traded it in for.  Seriously, $150.  Not a big deal.  But the constant manifestations of dishonesty.  Big deal.  I mean, its such a similar pattern to the pornography too.  When I confronted him originally, he completely lied and said that he did not have a problem.  Even after I had stumbled upon concrete evidence, he still tried to sidetrack it and lied straight to my face.  After that, I only got a small piece of the truth (he had a problem in the past and it had been occurring again for a month).  Well, then when I felt strongly that this was not the truth, he finally came clean about the fact that it had actually been six months.  Do I even know the real truth now?  What else is he lying about?  I'm certainly concerned because his word means absolutely nothing to me.

I think it is easy to see how this dishonesty has laid the framework for Satan to capitalize on my suspicions, doubts, and insecurities.  Even though I have felt confident that I should stay married right now, I can feel that confidence constantly being undermined.  My husband and I had some great conversations last week.  We talked specifically about how important it is to improve our emotional, spiritual, and physical connection and intimacy.  We talked about the importance of humility and honesty.  We communicated our challenges and when I expressed my feelings, I felt that they were very validated.  But now, this week, I am hesitant and reserved because I wonder if again he is just "saying all the right words."  

In short, it has been hard to discern between truth and lies.  I know I have been promised an added spirit of discernment, but I also realize I have to make choices that will qualify for me to receive that added measure of the spirit.  Thus, I decided tonight to study briefly about revelation in the church's resource True to the Faith.  I loved this portion of the text, "Quiet spiritual promptings may not seem as spectacular as visions or angelic visitations, but they are more powerful and lasting and life changing.  The witness of the Holy Ghost makes an impression on the soul that is more significant than anything you can see or hear."  

The handbook gives specific counsel for preparing to receive personal revelation.  As I read each item, I realized that I still have so much room for improvement in many of these areas.  I realize that sometimes I get so overcome with discouragement, that I shun the very most important resources that I need.  I too need to humble myself and remember to earnestly seek the strength given to those who turn to Christ in their time of need.  This has caused me to truly seek forgiveness from the Lord and repent of my prideful ways.  True to the Faith focuses on nine ways to be worthy of the promptings of the Holy Ghost:

1) Pray for guidance 

2) Be reverent

3) Be humble

4) Keep the commandments

5) Partake of the sacrament worthily 

6) Study the scriptures every day

7) Take time to ponder 

8) When seeking specific counsel, study the matter out in your mind

9) Patiently seek God's will*

Reflecting on these truths has helped me to feel more control in my life.  It has been hard to submit to the fact that my husband has so much control over whether or not our marriage will survive at this time.  However, it is a nice reminder to realize how much control I have over my salvation.  Through Christ, I can become whole and healed and only I can take the steps I need to feel better.  Studying these principles has helped me to recognize again how much the Lord loves me and how much He wants to bless me with peace, direction, and help.  But I have to do it His way, as outlined above.  

*I can especially work on that very last part.  I know I have mentioned the importance of patience in the past, but I guess it really is a weakness for me so I really need to focus on not trying to implement my own time frame and force it on the Lord.  As True to the Faith explains, "God reveals Himself 'in His own time, and in His own way, and according to His own will (see D&C 88:63-68)."  "DO NOT TRY TO FORCE SPIRITUAL THINGS.  Revelation does not come that way.  Be patient and trust in the Lord's timing."   

Quick Catch Up

I've realized fairly quickly how difficult it really is to write every day. I know it helps me to write, but it sure has been hard. Lately I have been faced with a very real depression. I am trying not to let it overcome or defeat me, but I sure have been feeling my emotions in a very real way. My concerns and pain have taken an excruciating toll on my physical health. Things are getting a little better though in that area. For awhile, I couldn't eat or keep any food down. I lost almost twelve pounds in one week. It scared me a lot when I almost dropped below one hundred. Luckily, in the past week or so I have been able to eat again and have been able to regain a lot of strength. Now my battle is predominantly a mental one, but I am still feeling the physical manifestations of my pain quite a bit too.

I made it out of bed today. I guess to clarify, I always make it out of bed--but I haven't seen too many mornings lately. Between our very lengthy talks that often go into the early morning hours and just the weight of all my emotions, I sure haven't been functioning at my normal level. Anyway, I made it up to campus today. The impact that my husband's pornography use and deception has had on my school work is a huge frustration to me. This semester I am taking 17.0 credits, working, and doing an internship as a research assistant. I have been extremely busy but have also been very satisfied with my efforts. Before the onset of this situation, I was getting very good grades in all of my classes. In fact, I think I had all A's. I know, that's life. Things are going great, you do the best you can, and sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. I am just really frustrated though because my husband's selfishness has again compromised me. Especially after having some health obstacles last semester that prevented me from going to school full-time, I have been really focused on school and doing my best to try to make up for lost time. Now, I feel like back then and now, my husband's actions are constantly "kicking me while I'm down."

Anyway, with that said, I did make it to campus. Tally one victory for the day. I have about twenty minutes before I have to meet with a group to prepare for a presentation this Friday and I can't seem to concentrate on anything, so I thought I would do another brief recap. I obviously can't capture everything that has happened or even begin to convey the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt, but I guess it would be nice for me to cover the highlights.

The week after I found out about everything, I concentrated my efforts on personal prayer and studying the scriptures and conference talks. I also studied LDS materials on pornography. I pondered diligently on the reasons that I was considering divorce and found that I did not think they conflicted with church doctrine. In fact, I know that my motives for considering this as an option are only because I want righteousness and a happy, eternal family. I knew that I needed to forgive my husband regardless of my decision and I was prepared to do that eventually. I just realize that even forgiveness does not remove the consequences of our actions. The Atonement is very real, but it also does not remove all of the consequences of our actions. However, after a lot of prayer, study, and personal reflection, I determined that I would like to stay married, do my very best to be a strength to my husband, and have some faith that he would decide to live a righteous life again.

I went to the temple as a part of a process of asking my Heavenly Father if He would support my decision to stay married. I put my whole faith in my Heavenly Father, knowing that He alone could understand my heart as well as my husband's. I pleaded with him to let me know if this was a wise decision. I yearned for Him to warn me if it was not a good decision. Out of obvious respect for the sacredness of the ordinances performed in the temple, I will not go into detail about my experience. However, I will say, that when I reached the celestial room at the end of the session, I was overcome with so much pain. I was there alone. The strongest insight occurred to me that "it's not as joyful if you're alone." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but the message was clear to me. My husband has not been living his life in a way that makes him worthy to return to live in the Celestial kingdom with me. I would be alone. Watching all of the other people interact warmly to one another, surrounded by their friends and family, I simply sat alone. I knew right then that I sure didn't want to make it back to God alone.

My patriarchal blessing expresses a lot of things that are very relevant to me right now. One thing it stresses is that I will always pray to the Lord and that He will always answer my prayers in the way that is best for me. My blessing tells me that sometimes the answers to my prayers will be immediate and that sometimes I will have to practice "the heavenly value of patience." This has been the case with this decision. I have not felt any confirming notion of my sincere desire to stay married. Instead, I have been given the confirmation that staying married right now is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I do not know what the time frame of this answer is, but I know two things 1) I have much more to learn from this situation and I need to stay with my husband to learn those things and 2) my Heavenly Father requires me to stay married at this time to show my conviction towards keeping the sacred marital covenants I made in the temple when I was married. My husband retains his agency in all of this, but staying in this marriage and giving my husband a second chance for now reflects that I have given everything I could to making this marriage work and holding up my end of sacred covenants. Even if my husband chooses to ultimately disregard his covenants, I will know for sure that I did everything I could to make this marriage work.

I have felt really good about this decision. Like I said, I don't know how long it will last, but I know it is the course of action I need to follow right now. I feel like the spirit has promised me an added measure of discernment during this time that will help me to differentiate truth from deceit and help me continue to make wise and righteous decisions. I am grateful to feel that blessing.

Since my decision to stay married, I have felt a roller coaster of emotions. My husband and I have made a lot of progress together. He seems very committed right now. Our therapy sessions have been a powerful catalyst for change during the week. We are also looking forward to starting the LifeStar program this week, which is specifically geared toward overcoming pornography addictions. At times, I feel a great degree of hope for the future. However, I still feel a great amount of despair. It is difficult because even though my husband and I are having very meaningful and helpful conversations and I know he is headed in the right direction, I still am constantly wondering if I am again just being lied to and deceived. The absence of trust in our relationship makes me second-guess even the most progressive days we have.

Journal Portion 9

I have been so blessed to know so many righteous men.  I am now especially grateful for their examples.  I hope my husband too will utilize the healing power of the Atonement, recognize the safety of living the commandments, and feel the peace he can from re-committing himself to righteousness.  I really hope that he will do this, regardless of my decision.  I love and care for him so much and I hope he will have the joy and happiness that only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can bring. 

I am grateful for the many examples of good, righteous men in my life.  I am grateful to know that no matter what happens, I certainly won't have any kind of "trust complex" or issues with trusting men or people in general.  I recognize that my husband's lack of deserving my trust is not a reflection of all men.  I also recognize that all men are flawed, as I am, but that we can all edify one another's lives if we seek after righteousness.  I am especially grateful for the righteous example of my amazing dad.  

This is the end of my journal entries from the past few weeks.  I often had a lot more that I wanted to write about and address, but I tried to moderate my writing to some extent so that I could get to bed at a somewhat decent time each night.  I needed the strength to help my body heal from the physical sickness so that I could try to catch up with school, work, and go to the temple.  

Journal Portion 8

There was a point in my journal writing that I actually had to stop and laugh at myself.  I had been writing so hard and fast on the pages that my hand hurt too much to continue.  I noted that I stopped and laughed a bit for getting so wrapped up in my emotion.  

I'm thankful for the little moments that Heavenly Father allows us to see humor in even the most horrendous situations.  Truly he wants to bring joy to us all.  Even if its a simple reminder of "Sweetie--don't take yourself too seriously."  I can feel His love every day and so much more when I take the time to try to recognize it.  

Journal Portion 7

During a conversation with a family member, he posed a question. With all of my husband's pornography problems aside, he asked if my husband was kind to me. I said yes. With more thought on the topic, I realize now that his actions have been anything but kind. Outwardly perhaps he has been nice to me, but truly he has been selfish, unrighteous, and unkind.

I know that this family member wants what is best for my husband. Call me arrogant, conceited, or whatever you want, but I realize that what is best for my husband is me. He simply won't find anyone more loving and devoted. I realize that he will be so much more capable of overcoming his addiction if I am by his side. With that said, I hope with all my heart that this family member was not trying to manipulate me when he told me I had a choice to make and basically asserted that I should count myself lucky if this is my only problem. He told me a "family motto" was that "life is a whole lot of hell with a few happy/heavenly moments." He also reminded me that there are a lot of men who appear to be good on Sunday, but do not treat their wives with love and respect. I understand the perspective that he was trying to give me, but I simply won't downplay the seriousness of my husband's behavior.

I can't say I agree with that "family motto." I realize that life is difficult. I am not so naive to think that life is easy and always happy. I have had real disappointments and struggles in my own life. I was also very close to my great-grandparents. The legacy they left was one that evidenced strength amidst a great deal of sorrow and suffering. I understand that opposition is an essential part of mortal life. But I don't agree that life is simply "a whole lot of hell with a few good moments." In my experience, "it is in our extremities" that we come to know God. Thus, even in our most difficult hour, our life can be a piece of heaven if we are living righteously. Life is such a wonderful blessing. Life is for our benefit and for our good. I am not trying to be defensive or disrespectful in any way; I just don't agree with that thinking. I DO agree that life is hard. In fact, that is part of my frustration. Life is hard enough--your spouse should not be your trial! Your spouse should be your advocate and your support during problems and difficult times, not the cause of your difficulties and the source of your pain.

There are two sources of trials in our lives. Sometimes our Heavenly Father deems it wise for us to go through certain trials that will bring us strength and cause us to grow. Trials also come because Heavenly Father respects agency and will not remove the consequences of poor decisions and sinful behavior. There is a huge difference between trials given to us by a loving Heavenly Father who knows us best and those that are brought on because of our own or another person's sinful behavior. Although I am confident that I will still grow to be a stronger and more faithful person through this, this trial is not a natural trial brought from life circumstances; instead, my current trial is because my husband chose to sin and disregard the covenants that he has made.

Anger has been a natural byproduct of this situation for me, but I pray to Heavenly Father daily to help me let go of my anger promptly. I know that holding on to anger will only hurt me. I know that my healthy expression of anger is a part of a thorough healing process and I am glad I won't hide it passively. I know that expressing my feelings is an important element of helping me truly forgive my husband.

Journal Portion 6

It is amazing to me the wisdom and foresight of our church leaders, apostles, and prophets.  For decades they have warned of the devastating effects of pornography on individuals, marriages, and families.  I have always believed in this counsel, but now I am sincerely feeling the pain that they warn of when they counsel members of the church to avoid pornography in all of its forms.  It has completely destroyed everything that was holy, sacred, and good in my marriage.

My husband's deceptive pornography use has destroyed the bonds of trust that we worked so hard to create.  Where love once was, now there is only hurt and despair.  A relationship that was once my greatest joy is now my greatest pain.  My heart aches for the many women who have gone through this experience and for those who will feel the effects of the poor decisions of others in the future.  

I have always known that our decisions will always affect others, especially the ones that we love.  How foolish it is to think that are decisions ever only affect ourselves.  I wish I could warn anyone and everyone of the devastating consequences of viewing pornography.  I know my husband's soul has been tattered by its influence.  Now, as his wife, I am suffering more than imaginable.  

Journal Portion 5

I can't remember everything that I talked to my husband's father about.  Most of it was just about the specific details of my husband's pornography addiction and patterns in his behavior.  But then he told me something that is very true.  I was lied to before I was married and did not have the full truth to base a decision on.  He said that I now have the truth and that the time to decide whether or not to stay married is now.  Not in two years and definitely not in ten years when children are likely to be involved.  The truth of that hit me hard.  My husband's father emphasized that this is not just something that my husband will deal with and get over now.  As a result of his past choices, my husband will deal with this addiction his entire life.  I feel strongly that this is the truth.  It is up to my husband to decide whether he will let this addiction drive him to view pornography, but it is likely that he will always be tempted.

His dad also believes that my husband will relapse in this behavior, be dishonest, and try to hide it every time.  My husband doesn't agree with that, but his track record sure seems to indicate that it is accurate.  I believe that my husband can overcome this.  I don't think he will necessarily succumb to this addiction his whole life even though it will always be an addiction.  So I don't know if what his dad said about about him slipping again and again and lying about it will necessarily be true, but it seems to be the pattern in his life so far and that definitely concerns me.  His parents had found ways to monitor him and recognize signals for when they suspected that he had reverted to pornography.  The thought of having to almost babysit a husband and make sure to watch for signals of pornography is overwhelming to me and almost too much to bear.  

The fact is that my heart has been so torn and broken by this, I just know I couldn't survive if a second chance became a third chance and so on.  I cannot go through this again.  I have literally had a taste of hell this week.  I know that a relapse does not have to occur, but I just don't know if my husband is willing to do what it will take to prevent it.  I question his sincerity.  The fact is, he did not come forward or try to repent--he was caught.  I can see the sorrow he is experiencing now, but I truly question if he is only sorry that he got caught.

I should also note that I have given a lot of thought to being able to tolerate a relapse of some kind.  I am very aware that most people struggling with pornography addictions suffer occasional small relapses.  This does not mean that they should give up or be discouraged.  Even though a small relapse would be difficult, I think I might be able to handle it if my husband was honest about it.  There is a huge distinction between a small slip up and being fully immersed in pornography for great amounts of time with no resolve to be clean again.  I have no tolerance for pornography, but I will have to grapple with the possibility of some small relapses because I want my husband to be honest about them if they do occur.

During the time with my husband's father, I began to be skeptical that this had only been occurring for the month that my husband had originally said.  After I talked to my husband's father alone, we all spoke together for a few moments.  I asked my husband how long he had really been looking at pornography again and told him I felt strongly that he had lied to me at first.  He admitted that it did not just start in January and that it had really started last October.  It had been close to six months that he had been looking at pornography almost daily.  My worst suspicions were confirmed--he had been looking at pornography for over half of our marriage!  I had been lied to and deceived for over half of the time we had spent together married.  I felt like my entire marriage was a fraud and it killed me.