Anniversary

We celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend.  I was worried that it would be a really depressing day.  Reflecting on our first year of marriage conjures thoughts of deception, dishonesty, and sin--not exactly great reasons to celebrate.  The day had some very difficult moments as I thought about how much fear I have that my husband will just hurt me again.  I tried so hard to be optimistic and positive, but I ended up succumbing to my sadness a few different times during the day.  I ended up crying a good amount that night and wishing I wasn't left with such a void of trust in my marriage.  

At the same time, I still felt inklings of hope that my marriage can be saved and that there was reason to celebrate our anniversary.  In the last few months, my husband and I have learned a lot about one another and shared so much.  Because we have been so focused on being vigilantly honest, the transparency we share with one another has created a new and meaningful intimacy between us.  My husband promises me that our first year of marriage will be our worst.  As depressing as it is has been to have such a rocky newlywed year, I'm grateful we're moving forward and making progress.  If we face these challenges together now, I know we can establish a healthy precedent for coping with the future obstacles that life will inevitably bring us.  I do feel that my husband loves me and even though my pain is still great, I do feel some happiness again with him.  

The Last Couple Weeks

BYU Finals Week ends today. The last few weeks have been very busy with school commitments. I know that's not a good excuse for failing to record my thoughts more frequently. Hopefully I will do better at recording more of my personal journey through this trial. I think sometimes it is still just too exhausting to try to write about the emotions I am feeling.

My husband and I have seen a lot of progress together lately. However, last Saturday night was a really bad night. We were at Smiths and I told my husband to choose a movie from the Redbox while I grabbed a couple things. I returned to the front of the store and spotted him. He didn't see me, but I watched him checking out a girl in front of him. I understand that guys will notice an attractive women, but this was much more than "taking notice." He was completely checking her out and blatantly lusting after her. I got a really sick feeling. Then, he realized I was standing there watching the whole thing and I know he was embarrassed. He walked up to me and immediately made a comment about how "skankily" she was dressed, trying to put the blame on her and brushing it aside. We paid for our groceries and I just expressed my frustration and pain at watching him check out another women so intently.

When we got in the car, he said, "I'm sorry. I was lusting after her. I was totally out of control." I know he has had a sexual addiction for almost twelve years, but it is still amazing to me how "powerless" over lust he is. In fact, recognizing that you are powerless over lust is the first tenant of Sexaholics Anonymous, which my husband has recently joined. Lust binds him and keeps him captive to sin continually and it is extremely hurtful to a wife. My heart longs to have a husband who only has eyes for me.

I've struggled so much lately, but I have had a lot of support. I'm grateful for my friends, family, and the support group that I have gained through S-Anon. Although it hurts me so much to know that so many women are pained because of similar circumstances, it is nice to have the help from those who truly know my pain. One of my new friends from the group recommended that I get a priesthood blessing. A wise reader of my blog had actually recommended it to me recently too.

My dad came down on Monday and we had a wonderful conversation. My dad is such a good man. I am so grateful for his worthiness to exercise his priesthood. I wish my husband could do the same. My dad gave me a powerful priesthood blessing that gave me so much comfort and strength. I have continually expressed that lately it has been very difficult to discern between Heavenly Father's admonitions and the influence of the adversary. I wonder if Heavenly Father is warning me that my situation is dangerous and I should leave my marriage or if Satan is just manipulating my fears and trying to destroy a marriage that could be healthy again. Through the priesthood, my father blessed me with an added measure of discernment. He also revoked the power of Satan during this decision-making process, so that when I come to a decision, I can know that it is from the Lord. What a powerful promise through the blessings of the priesthood! It provided me with so much relief and guidance. He told me to be mindful of the teachings in the scriptures about revelation and listen knowing that answers would be coming from Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for a loving earthly father who was able to convey such a peaceful and direct message from a loving Heavenly Father.

My Plan of Action

In the LifeSTAR program, we were challenged to create a Plan of Action outlining our specific plans for recovery and healing. It is a "long-term, written schedule to help [me] stay committed and consistent in the behaviors that will be essential to [my] own healing" (LifeSTAR Toolbox for Partners workbook). Although my Plan of Action doesn't include any large deviations from what I am already doing, I think it is important to write out my commitments so I can be reminded of them daily.

PLAN OF ACTION:

My Bottom Lines
"Bottom lines are a written record of what defines healthy living for you" (LifeSTAR Toolbox for Partners workbook).

• I will not let my husband's addiction interfere with school and work. I will not obsess about his problem and allow it to halt my individual academic, career, and personal goals.

• I will not isolate myself because of my husband's addiction. I will freely share the situation, along with my feelings and emotions, with my family and close friends.

• I will not dwell on the past. I will remain optimistic and recognize progress.

• I will recognize my agency in my marriage. I will not let my fierce loyalty keep me captive in an unhealthy relationship. If my husband relapses in his addiction and tells me about it, I will separate at least temporarily. If my husband relapses and hides it from me or engages in other dishonest behavior, I will divorce.

• I will not allow others to manipulate me or my decision-making process. I will listen respectfully to the perspectives of others, but I will ultimately make decisions based on my own values, feelings, and desires. I will "own" my decisions. I will pray to the Lord for confirmation of my decisions and heed that counsel alone.

My Survival Kit
A survival kit is a small kit you compile of meaningful items that will help you regain perspective during difficult times. It has been recommended to put it in a container that you can keep with you.

• I have completed my survival kit and carry it with me in my purse. It includes a small copy of my patriarchal blessing, pictures of my family, a CD slideshow of pictures of my great grandma, my favorite quote from President Hinckley, a list of people I can call when I am in need of support, a dollar to remind me of the importance of self-care, and a small notebook to record my thoughts. I will continue to add to it when I recognize something that would be a helpful addition.

Phone Call Tool

• If I need the support, I have made a list of individuals I can call for help.
  

Meetings

• I will attend S-Anon meetings when it is a priority to me at the time. When my schedule permits and I choose to, I will gain great strength from the support network and extend help to others as well.

• When needed, my husband and I will continue to see our counselor at LDS Family Services.

• If needed, I will see a counselor at BYU.

Personal Reflection

• I will read daily from books that will aid me in my recovery. I will read books that I find enjoyable and helpful, including books about addiction, healing, and co-dependency.

• I will reflect on my emotions and current progress in the healing process by writing in my journal at least weekly, if not more.

Spirituality

• I will pray at least every morning and every night. I will take the time to ponder and listen for answers throughout each day.

• I will live my live consistent with the gospel and work diligently to always have the Spirit as my constant companion.

• I will read the scriptures with my husband every day.

• I will read the scriptures individually every day.

• I will pray to Heavenly Father to help me be more aware of opportunities to serve others. I will take care of myself so that I will be capable of helping others more fully. I will also attend the temple for service and worship at least once a month.

Exercise

• I will find an enjoyable way to exercise for at least thirty minutes at least five times a week. I will get outside and enjoy the nice weather or go to one of my favorite classes at the gym.

Rest and Relaxation

• I will do my best to get adequate sleep. When my mind makes it difficult to sleep, I will get up and make a list of the things on my mind and return to them the next day. I will pray when it is difficult to sleep.

• During the week, I will be in bed no later than midnight.

• I will take healthy breaks each day and allow myself to do something fun each week.

• I will continue to watch very little, if any, television.

Nutritional Guidelines

• I will continue to enjoy cooking. I will prepare most meals at home and eat three balanced meals a day. I will continue to incorporate fruits and vegetables in my diet and make healthy choices while grocery shopping.

• I will give myself a break from cooking when needed and make healthy choices when eating out.

• I will continue to eat sweets/treats in moderation.

Interests

• I will read good books.

• I will listen to uplifting music that makes me feel happy.

• I will write for my own enjoyment.

• I will develop my talents academically.

• I will continue to prepare myself for graduate school. I will continue to focus on my university courses, research positions, and GRE preparation.

Goals

• I will do a monthly self-inventory on my Plan of Action and evaluate how I am doing. I will re-commit to those aspects that are in need of improvement and make any necessary adjustments.

Things Are Looking Up

My professor, a marriage and family therapist, reminded me last week that "things will get worse before they get better."  That has definitely been true so far and I know there will be a lot of bumps in the road of recovery for both my husband and I.  But I am so happy that I feel that my husband is in recovery.  I feel that he sincerely wants to change his life.  I've seen glimpses of how happy we can be together.  My husband is reading a book called Out of the Ashes.  It is an LDS guide to helping a betrayed spouse heal in the aftermath of sexual sin.  The book explains that as we make progress, we will have small "glimmers of hope" that will show us how much joy we can have if we continue in the right direction.  We have definitely had many of these moments and are glowing closer to each other than we have ever been.

After weeks of consideration, temporary separation, and fervent prayer with my Heavenly Father, I have decided to stay married for at least the duration of our main therapy program, Lifestar.  Lifestar is a group therapy experience designed for sexual addicts and their partners.  It will last about a year.  So far, it has been very helpful and I believe it will continue to be a valuable resource to us.  Even though all of the avenues of therapy are taking a lot of our time, I really look forward to going to each of them.  I have decided that as long as I see that my husband is continually progressing and doing his best to recover, I will stand by him.  I will put my fears aside and trust in the Lord.  A little at a time, I will trust in my husband again.  I am so proud of him and the progress that he has made so far.  I'm learning to know my best friend again.  

Even though I still have concerns about looking out for myself, I have yielded those to the Lord.  He will watch out for me and I know I can be guided and directed by Him as long as I stay in tune with His will.  I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone else, but it has been a tremendous learning experience so far.  I hope I can continue to make the best of it.  

Can't Sleep

I'm feeling a lot of pain tonight.  I can't sleep because I am too mad.  I can't talk to my husband because I am too upset.  I wish I was just the type that could have a good cry and let out a lot of the emotion, but that's not my personality so I guess I will just have to try to write a lot of it out.  That's not to say that I don't cry or that I think there is anything wrong with crying, I just wish I could find the strength to cry.  That probably doesn't even make sense, but I have only cried once since I found out and even though it was only for a minute, it felt really good.  I wish I could just get swallowed up in a big hug from someone who cares about me and really let it out.  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes--hey, maybe this is helping.  Nope, they always get to that same point.  My eyes start to get a little watery, but it always seems to stop there.  It makes me really upset that my husband can be passed out on the bed just sleeping while my soul is so tormented that I cannot rest.  

Lately I have had a difficult time discerning between answers from Heavenly Father and Satan's deceptive ways.  I know that probably sounds strange, but I just know that Satan is real.  I recognize how badly he wants my marriage to fail.  He can never have or experience the beauty of a satisfying covenant marriage and I know he wants so badly to rob me of it too.  I mean, its pretty easy to recognize the trend that society has towards marriage and see that the Devil definitely has his hand in it.  I guess somehow I always thought I was above that or "that won't happen to me."  Satan can always have influence on all of us, if we let him.  I know it is true that even the most elite can be deceived.  Well, I know that Satan has tempted my husband and is trying to destroy his life and our marriage through this addiction.  Additionally, now I can feel his influence as it tries to keep my soul furrowed up in depression and uncertainty.  I know that these feelings are a result of my husband's deception, but Satan truly wants to capitalize on it and keep me dragging in my sorrow.  I know I have to be proactive as much as I am capable of so that I don't allow Satan to overpower my hope for my future.  

I'm very analytical.  Like most things, this can be a strength and a weakness.  In this situation, I am constantly over-analyzing everything.  I know that I need balance in my life and that I can't be always so focused on this that I don't attend to my every day life, but it is hard because this situation has affected most aspects of my life.  As I ponder, I often have major warning flags in my mind because of my husband's past behavior.  I worry that I am just being deceived again and that no matter what I am going to be living with someone who is only outwardly committed to the gospel and who will always choose to live two lives.  I guess I have had a hard time deciding whether these inclinations are warning signs from Heavenly Father or simply just discouragement coming from the Devil.  It is really hard to tell.

It's hard to have to look out for yourself in a marriage.  I am so used to looking to fulfill the needs of my husband and trying to be mindful of my needs doesn't come naturally.  I have talked to my husband and others about this concept a few times, but it is something that I have had a hard time dealing with.  It is hard to stop and recognize "my husband has been looking out for himself," and "I have been looking out for my husband."  Who has been looking out for me?  Its a harsh moment when you realize that you have to look out for your own well-being because your spouse just simply hasn't been doing that.  So I am so conscious of making it very clear that it's me or the pornography and that I refuse to tolerate that kind of offensive and degrading material.  I also will not tolerate any more dishonesty.

Last week I discovered that there has been financial dishonesty as well.  My husband recently traded in our large plasma TV for another one that was larger and had a better HD resolution.  At first, he told me that he simply traded in the TV and that it was the same price.  Later on, when I questioned him more firmly, he admitted that the TV had cost us an additional $50.  Well, when I finally looked at our credit card statement, that was simply not the case.  I was extremely upset at the blatant dishonesty and confronted him.  I finally got the real story--the TV was $150 more than the one he traded it in for.  Seriously, $150.  Not a big deal.  But the constant manifestations of dishonesty.  Big deal.  I mean, its such a similar pattern to the pornography too.  When I confronted him originally, he completely lied and said that he did not have a problem.  Even after I had stumbled upon concrete evidence, he still tried to sidetrack it and lied straight to my face.  After that, I only got a small piece of the truth (he had a problem in the past and it had been occurring again for a month).  Well, then when I felt strongly that this was not the truth, he finally came clean about the fact that it had actually been six months.  Do I even know the real truth now?  What else is he lying about?  I'm certainly concerned because his word means absolutely nothing to me.

I think it is easy to see how this dishonesty has laid the framework for Satan to capitalize on my suspicions, doubts, and insecurities.  Even though I have felt confident that I should stay married right now, I can feel that confidence constantly being undermined.  My husband and I had some great conversations last week.  We talked specifically about how important it is to improve our emotional, spiritual, and physical connection and intimacy.  We talked about the importance of humility and honesty.  We communicated our challenges and when I expressed my feelings, I felt that they were very validated.  But now, this week, I am hesitant and reserved because I wonder if again he is just "saying all the right words."  

In short, it has been hard to discern between truth and lies.  I know I have been promised an added spirit of discernment, but I also realize I have to make choices that will qualify for me to receive that added measure of the spirit.  Thus, I decided tonight to study briefly about revelation in the church's resource True to the Faith.  I loved this portion of the text, "Quiet spiritual promptings may not seem as spectacular as visions or angelic visitations, but they are more powerful and lasting and life changing.  The witness of the Holy Ghost makes an impression on the soul that is more significant than anything you can see or hear."  

The handbook gives specific counsel for preparing to receive personal revelation.  As I read each item, I realized that I still have so much room for improvement in many of these areas.  I realize that sometimes I get so overcome with discouragement, that I shun the very most important resources that I need.  I too need to humble myself and remember to earnestly seek the strength given to those who turn to Christ in their time of need.  This has caused me to truly seek forgiveness from the Lord and repent of my prideful ways.  True to the Faith focuses on nine ways to be worthy of the promptings of the Holy Ghost:

1) Pray for guidance 

2) Be reverent

3) Be humble

4) Keep the commandments

5) Partake of the sacrament worthily 

6) Study the scriptures every day

7) Take time to ponder 

8) When seeking specific counsel, study the matter out in your mind

9) Patiently seek God's will*

Reflecting on these truths has helped me to feel more control in my life.  It has been hard to submit to the fact that my husband has so much control over whether or not our marriage will survive at this time.  However, it is a nice reminder to realize how much control I have over my salvation.  Through Christ, I can become whole and healed and only I can take the steps I need to feel better.  Studying these principles has helped me to recognize again how much the Lord loves me and how much He wants to bless me with peace, direction, and help.  But I have to do it His way, as outlined above.  

*I can especially work on that very last part.  I know I have mentioned the importance of patience in the past, but I guess it really is a weakness for me so I really need to focus on not trying to implement my own time frame and force it on the Lord.  As True to the Faith explains, "God reveals Himself 'in His own time, and in His own way, and according to His own will (see D&C 88:63-68)."  "DO NOT TRY TO FORCE SPIRITUAL THINGS.  Revelation does not come that way.  Be patient and trust in the Lord's timing."   

Quick Catch Up

I've realized fairly quickly how difficult it really is to write every day. I know it helps me to write, but it sure has been hard. Lately I have been faced with a very real depression. I am trying not to let it overcome or defeat me, but I sure have been feeling my emotions in a very real way. My concerns and pain have taken an excruciating toll on my physical health. Things are getting a little better though in that area. For awhile, I couldn't eat or keep any food down. I lost almost twelve pounds in one week. It scared me a lot when I almost dropped below one hundred. Luckily, in the past week or so I have been able to eat again and have been able to regain a lot of strength. Now my battle is predominantly a mental one, but I am still feeling the physical manifestations of my pain quite a bit too.

I made it out of bed today. I guess to clarify, I always make it out of bed--but I haven't seen too many mornings lately. Between our very lengthy talks that often go into the early morning hours and just the weight of all my emotions, I sure haven't been functioning at my normal level. Anyway, I made it up to campus today. The impact that my husband's pornography use and deception has had on my school work is a huge frustration to me. This semester I am taking 17.0 credits, working, and doing an internship as a research assistant. I have been extremely busy but have also been very satisfied with my efforts. Before the onset of this situation, I was getting very good grades in all of my classes. In fact, I think I had all A's. I know, that's life. Things are going great, you do the best you can, and sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. I am just really frustrated though because my husband's selfishness has again compromised me. Especially after having some health obstacles last semester that prevented me from going to school full-time, I have been really focused on school and doing my best to try to make up for lost time. Now, I feel like back then and now, my husband's actions are constantly "kicking me while I'm down."

Anyway, with that said, I did make it to campus. Tally one victory for the day. I have about twenty minutes before I have to meet with a group to prepare for a presentation this Friday and I can't seem to concentrate on anything, so I thought I would do another brief recap. I obviously can't capture everything that has happened or even begin to convey the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt, but I guess it would be nice for me to cover the highlights.

The week after I found out about everything, I concentrated my efforts on personal prayer and studying the scriptures and conference talks. I also studied LDS materials on pornography. I pondered diligently on the reasons that I was considering divorce and found that I did not think they conflicted with church doctrine. In fact, I know that my motives for considering this as an option are only because I want righteousness and a happy, eternal family. I knew that I needed to forgive my husband regardless of my decision and I was prepared to do that eventually. I just realize that even forgiveness does not remove the consequences of our actions. The Atonement is very real, but it also does not remove all of the consequences of our actions. However, after a lot of prayer, study, and personal reflection, I determined that I would like to stay married, do my very best to be a strength to my husband, and have some faith that he would decide to live a righteous life again.

I went to the temple as a part of a process of asking my Heavenly Father if He would support my decision to stay married. I put my whole faith in my Heavenly Father, knowing that He alone could understand my heart as well as my husband's. I pleaded with him to let me know if this was a wise decision. I yearned for Him to warn me if it was not a good decision. Out of obvious respect for the sacredness of the ordinances performed in the temple, I will not go into detail about my experience. However, I will say, that when I reached the celestial room at the end of the session, I was overcome with so much pain. I was there alone. The strongest insight occurred to me that "it's not as joyful if you're alone." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but the message was clear to me. My husband has not been living his life in a way that makes him worthy to return to live in the Celestial kingdom with me. I would be alone. Watching all of the other people interact warmly to one another, surrounded by their friends and family, I simply sat alone. I knew right then that I sure didn't want to make it back to God alone.

My patriarchal blessing expresses a lot of things that are very relevant to me right now. One thing it stresses is that I will always pray to the Lord and that He will always answer my prayers in the way that is best for me. My blessing tells me that sometimes the answers to my prayers will be immediate and that sometimes I will have to practice "the heavenly value of patience." This has been the case with this decision. I have not felt any confirming notion of my sincere desire to stay married. Instead, I have been given the confirmation that staying married right now is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I do not know what the time frame of this answer is, but I know two things 1) I have much more to learn from this situation and I need to stay with my husband to learn those things and 2) my Heavenly Father requires me to stay married at this time to show my conviction towards keeping the sacred marital covenants I made in the temple when I was married. My husband retains his agency in all of this, but staying in this marriage and giving my husband a second chance for now reflects that I have given everything I could to making this marriage work and holding up my end of sacred covenants. Even if my husband chooses to ultimately disregard his covenants, I will know for sure that I did everything I could to make this marriage work.

I have felt really good about this decision. Like I said, I don't know how long it will last, but I know it is the course of action I need to follow right now. I feel like the spirit has promised me an added measure of discernment during this time that will help me to differentiate truth from deceit and help me continue to make wise and righteous decisions. I am grateful to feel that blessing.

Since my decision to stay married, I have felt a roller coaster of emotions. My husband and I have made a lot of progress together. He seems very committed right now. Our therapy sessions have been a powerful catalyst for change during the week. We are also looking forward to starting the LifeStar program this week, which is specifically geared toward overcoming pornography addictions. At times, I feel a great degree of hope for the future. However, I still feel a great amount of despair. It is difficult because even though my husband and I are having very meaningful and helpful conversations and I know he is headed in the right direction, I still am constantly wondering if I am again just being lied to and deceived. The absence of trust in our relationship makes me second-guess even the most progressive days we have.

Journal Portion 9

I have been so blessed to know so many righteous men.  I am now especially grateful for their examples.  I hope my husband too will utilize the healing power of the Atonement, recognize the safety of living the commandments, and feel the peace he can from re-committing himself to righteousness.  I really hope that he will do this, regardless of my decision.  I love and care for him so much and I hope he will have the joy and happiness that only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can bring. 

I am grateful for the many examples of good, righteous men in my life.  I am grateful to know that no matter what happens, I certainly won't have any kind of "trust complex" or issues with trusting men or people in general.  I recognize that my husband's lack of deserving my trust is not a reflection of all men.  I also recognize that all men are flawed, as I am, but that we can all edify one another's lives if we seek after righteousness.  I am especially grateful for the righteous example of my amazing dad.  

This is the end of my journal entries from the past few weeks.  I often had a lot more that I wanted to write about and address, but I tried to moderate my writing to some extent so that I could get to bed at a somewhat decent time each night.  I needed the strength to help my body heal from the physical sickness so that I could try to catch up with school, work, and go to the temple.