New Church Website

I wanted to share this website that the church has recently published. It provides articles relevant to individuals struggling with pornography, spouses, church leaders, youth, and parents. I just found it, but I can already tell it will be an amazing resource!

http://combatingpornography.org/cp/eng/

The Next Step

I have decided to take the next leap of faith. My husband and I will be purchasing a condo together this month. I have waited a year and I still feel optimistic about my husband's recovery and our marriage. I think that the weight of this decision has triggered a lot of days like the one of my last blog entry in February. I have been very stressed, but in the end--I still feel peace in my decisions.

I feel concerned because it is a stressful time for my husband and he has taken on more hours at work. Last year, his grueling work schedule made him very susceptible to his addiction and was a large factor in his significant relapse. I haven't talked to him about my concerns about this yet, but I hope we can talk soon. We have both been sick for the last few weeks and we are just barely scraping by. It seems like we haven't had enough energy for any real connection or conversation lately. I hope we can talk about my concerns about his new schedule soon. I want to find ways that I can be a strength to him. I also hope we can deal with the additional stress together, rather than allowing it to isolate us.

It's an interesting feeling posting such a personal journal online. I guess I don't mind giving others a glimpse of my own human experience. It seems like we learn a lot from each other along the way. Here's my real, raw self--anonymously, of course :)

My Story of Hope

A few weeks ago, my sister-in-law invited each of the women in our families to reflect on our lives and share our own messages of finding hope during a difficult time. I thought I would share my own reflection of hope.

About a year ago, I discovered my husband's sexual addiction. With this discovery, I became aware of a myriad of deception and lies in our every-day life together. Because this is a story of hope, I won't focus on the devastation and impact this has had on me personally, but it is sufficient to say that the bonds of trust we had worked to create in our relationship were quickly destroyed. Where love once was, there was only hurt and despair. A relationship that was once my greatest joy became my greatest pain.

Through a process of sincere prayer, I felt guided to stay in my marriage. Although I cannot control my husband's addiction, or predict the future, I have learned the power of hope through my personal healing process. During the last year, I re-committed to being more diligent in meaningful personal prayer and scripture study on a daily basis. Although I am not perfect in these habits, I always feel uplifted as I strive to strengthen my relationship with the Lord.

For a few months of the last year, my anger and sorrow overwhelmed me and eclipsed my personal testimony and dedication to the Gospel. I am grateful for a good friend who gently reminded me where to find peace. As I let go of resentment, I now recognize that it was a tender mercy that I found out about this problem in my marriage. After becoming aware of this problem, we have been able to work together to combat this devastating influence in our lives. I am so grateful for my wonderful husband—for his humility, his dedication to his recovery, and for his love and patience with me and my own weaknesses.

I have also found an increased hope as I have reached out to other women in similar situations. Because many of us have been hurt by inappropriate use of the internet, I decided to use the internet in a healthy way to help other loved ones of pornography addicts connect and support one another. I started an anonymous blog online to journal my feelings and help others in the situation realize that they are not alone. I know that many of us struggle to find support while still respecting the privacy of our dear husbands. Through this medium, I have been grateful to connect with and personally e-mail other women on a daily basis. Each of their examples has inspired me to have more faith, do more good, and be more compassionate.

I thank my Heavenly Father for the progress I see in my marriage, the strength He gives me individually to face each day, and the friends and family who support me when I simply cannot go on alone any longer. As always, the ultimate source of my hope comes from my Savior, Jesus Christ. Our growth and experience this past year has been a great reminder that “whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives. If he is allowed to lay his hands on the family, it lives.” Through the Atonement, I know that we can find hope, comfort, and peace despite the difficulties that this mortal experience will bring. The Atonement knows no limits—it can ease the sting of death, liberate the captive from sin, and can certainly heal marriages and family relationships. I am so grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and the hope it brings.

A Down Day

I'm feeling pretty angry and irritated with life right now. Where is my spirit of optimism? I hope I find it again soon. I hate feeling bitter.

Internet Filters

I recently had a reader write me a question about internet filters. She asked if I knew anything about internet filters, if I used one, and if I recommended using them. I thought my response might be helpful to others, so I think I'll just go ahead and post an excerpt of my e-mail back to her.

"...I think internet filters can be an important step in keeping your marriage and family safe from the harm of pornography. They are a great external barrier from inappropriate material. With that said, filters can only do so much. Often, even with a very good filter, someone seeking inappropriate material can still access it. There are several ways to get around even the best filters.

Thus, a filter should be used as PART of a defense system against pornography use, but cannot be the ONLY part of it. When we saw a counselor at LDS Family Services, she distinguished between external vs. internal barriers. External barriers to pornography are things like a filter, keeping the computer in a public place, not using the computer when alone, etc. Internal barriers are things that motivate someone to abstain from pornography, like going to counseling, participating in a 12 Step Group, reading the scriptures, working with a bishop, etc. In the long run, if someone addicted to pornography is going to improve, they have to have internal barriers in place- because they can always find a way to get around the external ones.

In short, true abstinence from pornography must stem from a real desire to change, not just the presence of a filter.

I do recommend using a filter on your computer, but you can't rely on it to mend the problem alone. Having a filter in place helps to give an addict, or someone trying to view pornography, a barrier. If they try to access pornography in a moment of weakness and the filter stops them, it gives them a minute to think "do I really want to do this?" However, if they really want to get to the material, often a filter isn't going to stop them."

I hope this makes sense to everyone. Feel free to send me your questions about filters and I can even make some recommendations if you would like. Also, feel free to e-mail me with suggestions of external or internal barriers that have helped your loved ones abstain from pornography. I'm sorry for the many aching hearts out there and hope we can continue to help one another.

Feeling Some Stability

I don't have much time to record my thoughts, but I wanted to make an entry while I am feeling pretty good and generally happy. Things have been going well lately. I'm happy that we may soon be celebrating a full year without pornography in our home. That is a huge victory and I am so proud of my husband. Lately, he has shared many of his insights on his recovery and it seems that attending the 12-Step group has been the most fundamental instrument in his success. He has been very vigilant in avoiding situations that would be a temptation for him. Lately, he has shared with me when he is feeling weak or susceptible to his addiction, and has allowed me to help strengthen him. That has been a good experience for us as a couple.

I have been doing better personally too. I still struggle with some uneasiness and anxiousness, but I am feeling more stable. I decided to take some classes this semester to help me focus on some things I need to complete before I can graduate, help me feel less isolated, and give me things to accomplish with less time to dwell on the negative. This has been extremely helpful and I am really enjoying the classes and semester. I'll be looking for another job soon too, hopefully. I'm trying to get my feet planted back where they were before this disaster was unveiled last year and move forward with my personal progression. I am grateful for the things I have learned this last year, but I am still devastated by the mechanism for those lessons. I hope things continue to improve and I am doing my best to stay positive and grateful!

Nothing Too New

Well, I'm going to be brief tonight. I've spent the last few hours reading through blog posts written by loved ones of addicts on the website LDSAR.org. It's a wonderful website and I feel a great comfort knowing that I am not the only one dealing with this problem. My heart hurts that so many others are affected, but I do get a lot of comfort from reading the entries of other people who know exactly how I feel. It's interesting and sad to me how similar most of our situations are. We are all dealing with the impact of pornography and sexual addiction and how it has destroyed our spirits, broken our hearts, and hurt our husbands. Satan is very real and powerful today. I hate when people view pornography as a victimless crime. It certainly does destroy individuals, relationships, and families. My heart aches for every woman who is affected by the sexual addiction of a husband. At the same time, I also feel pity for the addicts who have allowed themselves to become trapped by this addiction. It reminds me of the scripture in the Book of Mormon that talks about how the Devil has the cunning ability to drag our souls carefully down to hell.

As for me, I am still striving to find personal peace and answers to my perpetual questions. Lately, I continue to battle sadness, anxiety, loneliness, and some degree of depression. I am finding healthy ways to deal. I'm finding that one of the most important principles that I have to keep in mind is balance and moderation. I am learning that to keep my sanity, I can't spend all of my time obsessing about the uncertainty of my future and I have to take time to enjoy life at the moment. However, it certainly is difficult to find peace when I am so unsure about the next steps in my life. I have continued to feel confident about the "year deadline" I set for myself to wait before making any kind of final decision about my marriage. As it approaches, I do feel a lot of emotion. I was talking briefly with my mother about my current emotional state and conveyed to her that I was feeling quite exhausted by life. Stability in life breeds peace and I certainly lack both of those things.

I'm re-committing to being more diligent in meaningful personal prayer and scripture study on a daily basis. I have felt uplifted as I have again tried to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. For several months, my anger and sorrow overwhelmed me and eclipsed my personal testimony and dedication to the Gospel. I am grateful for a good friend who called me out on my own lack of dedication and helped me realize that it was doing me absolutely no good to hold resentment towards my Heavenly Father. I know it was a tender mercy that I even found out about this looming problem in my marriage and don't continue to live in blissful, but terrible ignorance. I thank my Heavenly Father for the progress I see in my marriage, the strength He gives me individually to face each day, and the friends who support me when I simply cannot go on alone any longer.

Still Doing The Best I Can

I'm in a really bad place mentally right now so I thought it might be a good idea to try to write about my thoughts and feelings. For awhile I was really good at recording my thoughts on my blog, but then I always feel like I have to write something profound, or I have to be perfectly optimistic and inspirational. I think what I really need personally is a more stream-of-consciousness approach that will help me to process my thoughts and feelings. And I guess I also need to write in a place where I am not afraid that my thoughts will be judged, so I don't have to filter what I am saying. One big reason that I feel like I have to portray a perfect example is because I represent myself as an LDS woman. I believe that the gospel of Jesus Christ found in LDS doctrine is perfect and so I don't want to misrepresent it at all by depicting my imperfect, human self. I hope that makes sense and I hope that anyone who reads my ramblings recognizes that although my thoughts aren't always perfect, I am trying to process all of my feelings in a Christ-like way.

I have been extremely depressed lately. I read somewhere today that spouses who find about about their husband's sexual addiction often experience almost all of the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I can definitely look back at the last year and recognize high amounts of uneasiness, anxiety, depression, anger, and even rage. Sometimes I just don't think that this is a burden that I can handle. I feel so uneasy and sad, despite the fact that over nine months have passed. I wonder if I should see a counselor again individually, but it is such a financial burden. Plus, its hard for me to want to spill my soul in such a non-personal atmosphere. I like having someone as a sounding board, but I would much rather talk to someone who really cares about me and not someone who is just being paid to listen. At the same time, when I talk to those who care about me and know about the situation, they all have their own obvious biases. I know that they are all trying to help, but I think each of them is hurt for me and has their own personal agenda regarding the situation.

A few nights ago, I had my ITunes open and my husband spotted a video that I had made him shortly after we got engaged. He was excited and wanted to watch it. It was a video that I had put together of pictures of us in our first year of dating together. I had put the slideshow to music and had told the story of our dating, courtship, and when he had proposed to me. I had written many reasons why I loved him. It was completely devastating to me to watch the video because it reminded me that I used to think of him that way. My eyes used to light up when I saw him. I saw my whole future in him. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I was truly in love with him and its a sharp contrast to my current feelings of betrayal and loss. He was my best friend. I know that everyone makes mistakes and has flaws, but I am just having a really hard time getting past the dishonesty that has existed in our relationship. I feel really sad knowing that I still don't trust him. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. When I think about it, I just have a bad feeling in my gut.

Its been long enough since the exposure of his addiction, that our lives have somewhat returned to normal. Despite a degree of normalcy, I still feel burdened by concerns every single day. I feel like I am straddling this huge gap--on one side I am trying to live a full, vibrant, loving and normal life with my husband, pretending that everything is okay--and on the other side, I am grappling with the possibility of divorce every day. I feel like I am on the most dangerous emotional rollercoaster ever constructed. I wish I could find more peace in my marriage. Even when nothing is going wrong, it still just doesn't feel right. I'm constantly wondering if I am still just being deceived. Is this because of my own shortcomings and inability to move forward or is this because I am discerning trouble that is simply unseen?

I've been really upset about something lately. Really, it's a pretty dumb thing to be upset about, but seeing my close friends start families has triggered a whole myriad of sad feelings for me. I hate to say it, but I am a little envious of my friends who are settling down and having babies. Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to have a baby. I guess the fact that they are stable enough to be considering starting a family makes me envious. It started a few weeks ago when we talked about family planning and the transition to parenthood in the Marriage Enhancement class that I TA for. Several couples announced that they were pregnant and we spent the class talking about parenting. It really made me realize what a huge priority having children is for me someday. It made me want to talk to my husband and think about a timeline for us. But then that just makes me return to the realization that there is absolutely no stability in my marriage and that I don't even know if I will reach a point where I will ever have children with him.

Similarly, one of our favorite couples to hang out with is moving across the nation this month. I was talking to her about the move and the huge transition that they are about to make. She is uprooting from everything she knows to move for her husband to take a job. They will likely be there for three to five years, and then who knows where they will live. The whole time we were talking I noticed how comfortable she was with the whole thing. They are excited to move and start their family. They don't care that they are leaving their friends behind and will be far from the rest of their family. She is just thrilled about moving with her husband and having a baby. She's so excited about this next step. I guess that got me thinking about how insecure I am in my marriage. I wish I had some of that stability and felt like I was in a healthier place. That's really all I want. Down the road, I just want the kids and the daily struggles of family life. I want to grow old with someone who loves me and cares enough about me to put me first. As life brings hard times, I want to be able to rely on one constancy--that there is someone there for me who I can love and trust.

I have more constructive things to write about, but I'm really tired and think the most healthy use of my time right now is probably just to go to sleep. I hope this didn't come across as too whiney, but I guess sometimes it good for me to write out my feelings and make sure I'm not trying to play the victim or that I'm not caught too much in the role of a martyr. I've noticed my own tendency to do this sometimes and I really want to stay accountable for not doing that. There's a fine line between admitting to the hurt that has been inflicted upon me and letting it ruin my life. I hope to be more positive and optimistic tomorrow.

Patience

Well, its been a little over five months since "Black Sunday"--I stole that phrase from a chat with my dad one day.  I'm really learning patience because I feel like five months is a long time, but within the context of overcoming addiction and healing a marriage, its only a small moment.  I haven't written for awhile because there hasn't been the same degree of momentous events, terrible discoveries, and agonizing days that there was when I initially found out about my husband's sexual addiction.  Some days I feel like we are back to normal life.  However, I realize that even though nothing is necessarily new, I should probably still record my thoughts, feelings, and any progress that I see being made.  

Its been really hard not to be down lately, despite a lot of progress.  My husband was recently given his temple recommend again and we were able to attend the sealing of one of my best friends and also his sister's sealing.  It was very nice to be in the temple with him again.  It sure beats being there alone.  However, I guess my joy was somewhat fleeting because I only feared that it will soon come a day where I will just be alone again.  It is really hard to feel joy to the same extent as before.  When trust is gone, it is difficult to love.  I wonder if I will ever love my husband like I used to.

Not to be ungrateful, I do see enormous progress and our relationship has been strengthened in some ways over the last five months.  I feel very close to my husband again at certain times.  I know if we both continue to work on our individual recovery, we can continue to see progress.  

Anniversary

We celebrated our first anniversary this past weekend.  I was worried that it would be a really depressing day.  Reflecting on our first year of marriage conjures thoughts of deception, dishonesty, and sin--not exactly great reasons to celebrate.  The day had some very difficult moments as I thought about how much fear I have that my husband will just hurt me again.  I tried so hard to be optimistic and positive, but I ended up succumbing to my sadness a few different times during the day.  I ended up crying a good amount that night and wishing I wasn't left with such a void of trust in my marriage.  

At the same time, I still felt inklings of hope that my marriage can be saved and that there was reason to celebrate our anniversary.  In the last few months, my husband and I have learned a lot about one another and shared so much.  Because we have been so focused on being vigilantly honest, the transparency we share with one another has created a new and meaningful intimacy between us.  My husband promises me that our first year of marriage will be our worst.  As depressing as it is has been to have such a rocky newlywed year, I'm grateful we're moving forward and making progress.  If we face these challenges together now, I know we can establish a healthy precedent for coping with the future obstacles that life will inevitably bring us.  I do feel that my husband loves me and even though my pain is still great, I do feel some happiness again with him.  

The Last Couple Weeks

BYU Finals Week ends today. The last few weeks have been very busy with school commitments. I know that's not a good excuse for failing to record my thoughts more frequently. Hopefully I will do better at recording more of my personal journey through this trial. I think sometimes it is still just too exhausting to try to write about the emotions I am feeling.

My husband and I have seen a lot of progress together lately. However, last Saturday night was a really bad night. We were at Smiths and I told my husband to choose a movie from the Redbox while I grabbed a couple things. I returned to the front of the store and spotted him. He didn't see me, but I watched him checking out a girl in front of him. I understand that guys will notice an attractive women, but this was much more than "taking notice." He was completely checking her out and blatantly lusting after her. I got a really sick feeling. Then, he realized I was standing there watching the whole thing and I know he was embarrassed. He walked up to me and immediately made a comment about how "skankily" she was dressed, trying to put the blame on her and brushing it aside. We paid for our groceries and I just expressed my frustration and pain at watching him check out another women so intently.

When we got in the car, he said, "I'm sorry. I was lusting after her. I was totally out of control." I know he has had a sexual addiction for almost twelve years, but it is still amazing to me how "powerless" over lust he is. In fact, recognizing that you are powerless over lust is the first tenant of Sexaholics Anonymous, which my husband has recently joined. Lust binds him and keeps him captive to sin continually and it is extremely hurtful to a wife. My heart longs to have a husband who only has eyes for me.

I've struggled so much lately, but I have had a lot of support. I'm grateful for my friends, family, and the support group that I have gained through S-Anon. Although it hurts me so much to know that so many women are pained because of similar circumstances, it is nice to have the help from those who truly know my pain. One of my new friends from the group recommended that I get a priesthood blessing. A wise reader of my blog had actually recommended it to me recently too.

My dad came down on Monday and we had a wonderful conversation. My dad is such a good man. I am so grateful for his worthiness to exercise his priesthood. I wish my husband could do the same. My dad gave me a powerful priesthood blessing that gave me so much comfort and strength. I have continually expressed that lately it has been very difficult to discern between Heavenly Father's admonitions and the influence of the adversary. I wonder if Heavenly Father is warning me that my situation is dangerous and I should leave my marriage or if Satan is just manipulating my fears and trying to destroy a marriage that could be healthy again. Through the priesthood, my father blessed me with an added measure of discernment. He also revoked the power of Satan during this decision-making process, so that when I come to a decision, I can know that it is from the Lord. What a powerful promise through the blessings of the priesthood! It provided me with so much relief and guidance. He told me to be mindful of the teachings in the scriptures about revelation and listen knowing that answers would be coming from Heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for a loving earthly father who was able to convey such a peaceful and direct message from a loving Heavenly Father.

My Plan of Action

In the LifeSTAR program, we were challenged to create a Plan of Action outlining our specific plans for recovery and healing. It is a "long-term, written schedule to help [me] stay committed and consistent in the behaviors that will be essential to [my] own healing" (LifeSTAR Toolbox for Partners workbook). Although my Plan of Action doesn't include any large deviations from what I am already doing, I think it is important to write out my commitments so I can be reminded of them daily.

PLAN OF ACTION:

My Bottom Lines
"Bottom lines are a written record of what defines healthy living for you" (LifeSTAR Toolbox for Partners workbook).

• I will not let my husband's addiction interfere with school and work. I will not obsess about his problem and allow it to halt my individual academic, career, and personal goals.

• I will not isolate myself because of my husband's addiction. I will freely share the situation, along with my feelings and emotions, with my family and close friends.

• I will not dwell on the past. I will remain optimistic and recognize progress.

• I will recognize my agency in my marriage. I will not let my fierce loyalty keep me captive in an unhealthy relationship. If my husband relapses in his addiction and tells me about it, I will separate at least temporarily. If my husband relapses and hides it from me or engages in other dishonest behavior, I will divorce.

• I will not allow others to manipulate me or my decision-making process. I will listen respectfully to the perspectives of others, but I will ultimately make decisions based on my own values, feelings, and desires. I will "own" my decisions. I will pray to the Lord for confirmation of my decisions and heed that counsel alone.

My Survival Kit
A survival kit is a small kit you compile of meaningful items that will help you regain perspective during difficult times. It has been recommended to put it in a container that you can keep with you.

• I have completed my survival kit and carry it with me in my purse. It includes a small copy of my patriarchal blessing, pictures of my family, a CD slideshow of pictures of my great grandma, my favorite quote from President Hinckley, a list of people I can call when I am in need of support, a dollar to remind me of the importance of self-care, and a small notebook to record my thoughts. I will continue to add to it when I recognize something that would be a helpful addition.

Phone Call Tool

• If I need the support, I have made a list of individuals I can call for help.
  

Meetings

• I will attend S-Anon meetings when it is a priority to me at the time. When my schedule permits and I choose to, I will gain great strength from the support network and extend help to others as well.

• When needed, my husband and I will continue to see our counselor at LDS Family Services.

• If needed, I will see a counselor at BYU.

Personal Reflection

• I will read daily from books that will aid me in my recovery. I will read books that I find enjoyable and helpful, including books about addiction, healing, and co-dependency.

• I will reflect on my emotions and current progress in the healing process by writing in my journal at least weekly, if not more.

Spirituality

• I will pray at least every morning and every night. I will take the time to ponder and listen for answers throughout each day.

• I will live my live consistent with the gospel and work diligently to always have the Spirit as my constant companion.

• I will read the scriptures with my husband every day.

• I will read the scriptures individually every day.

• I will pray to Heavenly Father to help me be more aware of opportunities to serve others. I will take care of myself so that I will be capable of helping others more fully. I will also attend the temple for service and worship at least once a month.

Exercise

• I will find an enjoyable way to exercise for at least thirty minutes at least five times a week. I will get outside and enjoy the nice weather or go to one of my favorite classes at the gym.

Rest and Relaxation

• I will do my best to get adequate sleep. When my mind makes it difficult to sleep, I will get up and make a list of the things on my mind and return to them the next day. I will pray when it is difficult to sleep.

• During the week, I will be in bed no later than midnight.

• I will take healthy breaks each day and allow myself to do something fun each week.

• I will continue to watch very little, if any, television.

Nutritional Guidelines

• I will continue to enjoy cooking. I will prepare most meals at home and eat three balanced meals a day. I will continue to incorporate fruits and vegetables in my diet and make healthy choices while grocery shopping.

• I will give myself a break from cooking when needed and make healthy choices when eating out.

• I will continue to eat sweets/treats in moderation.

Interests

• I will read good books.

• I will listen to uplifting music that makes me feel happy.

• I will write for my own enjoyment.

• I will develop my talents academically.

• I will continue to prepare myself for graduate school. I will continue to focus on my university courses, research positions, and GRE preparation.

Goals

• I will do a monthly self-inventory on my Plan of Action and evaluate how I am doing. I will re-commit to those aspects that are in need of improvement and make any necessary adjustments.

Things Are Looking Up

My professor, a marriage and family therapist, reminded me last week that "things will get worse before they get better."  That has definitely been true so far and I know there will be a lot of bumps in the road of recovery for both my husband and I.  But I am so happy that I feel that my husband is in recovery.  I feel that he sincerely wants to change his life.  I've seen glimpses of how happy we can be together.  My husband is reading a book called Out of the Ashes.  It is an LDS guide to helping a betrayed spouse heal in the aftermath of sexual sin.  The book explains that as we make progress, we will have small "glimmers of hope" that will show us how much joy we can have if we continue in the right direction.  We have definitely had many of these moments and are glowing closer to each other than we have ever been.

After weeks of consideration, temporary separation, and fervent prayer with my Heavenly Father, I have decided to stay married for at least the duration of our main therapy program, Lifestar.  Lifestar is a group therapy experience designed for sexual addicts and their partners.  It will last about a year.  So far, it has been very helpful and I believe it will continue to be a valuable resource to us.  Even though all of the avenues of therapy are taking a lot of our time, I really look forward to going to each of them.  I have decided that as long as I see that my husband is continually progressing and doing his best to recover, I will stand by him.  I will put my fears aside and trust in the Lord.  A little at a time, I will trust in my husband again.  I am so proud of him and the progress that he has made so far.  I'm learning to know my best friend again.  

Even though I still have concerns about looking out for myself, I have yielded those to the Lord.  He will watch out for me and I know I can be guided and directed by Him as long as I stay in tune with His will.  I wouldn't wish this situation on anyone else, but it has been a tremendous learning experience so far.  I hope I can continue to make the best of it.  

Can't Sleep

I'm feeling a lot of pain tonight.  I can't sleep because I am too mad.  I can't talk to my husband because I am too upset.  I wish I was just the type that could have a good cry and let out a lot of the emotion, but that's not my personality so I guess I will just have to try to write a lot of it out.  That's not to say that I don't cry or that I think there is anything wrong with crying, I just wish I could find the strength to cry.  That probably doesn't even make sense, but I have only cried once since I found out and even though it was only for a minute, it felt really good.  I wish I could just get swallowed up in a big hug from someone who cares about me and really let it out.  I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes--hey, maybe this is helping.  Nope, they always get to that same point.  My eyes start to get a little watery, but it always seems to stop there.  It makes me really upset that my husband can be passed out on the bed just sleeping while my soul is so tormented that I cannot rest.  

Lately I have had a difficult time discerning between answers from Heavenly Father and Satan's deceptive ways.  I know that probably sounds strange, but I just know that Satan is real.  I recognize how badly he wants my marriage to fail.  He can never have or experience the beauty of a satisfying covenant marriage and I know he wants so badly to rob me of it too.  I mean, its pretty easy to recognize the trend that society has towards marriage and see that the Devil definitely has his hand in it.  I guess somehow I always thought I was above that or "that won't happen to me."  Satan can always have influence on all of us, if we let him.  I know it is true that even the most elite can be deceived.  Well, I know that Satan has tempted my husband and is trying to destroy his life and our marriage through this addiction.  Additionally, now I can feel his influence as it tries to keep my soul furrowed up in depression and uncertainty.  I know that these feelings are a result of my husband's deception, but Satan truly wants to capitalize on it and keep me dragging in my sorrow.  I know I have to be proactive as much as I am capable of so that I don't allow Satan to overpower my hope for my future.  

I'm very analytical.  Like most things, this can be a strength and a weakness.  In this situation, I am constantly over-analyzing everything.  I know that I need balance in my life and that I can't be always so focused on this that I don't attend to my every day life, but it is hard because this situation has affected most aspects of my life.  As I ponder, I often have major warning flags in my mind because of my husband's past behavior.  I worry that I am just being deceived again and that no matter what I am going to be living with someone who is only outwardly committed to the gospel and who will always choose to live two lives.  I guess I have had a hard time deciding whether these inclinations are warning signs from Heavenly Father or simply just discouragement coming from the Devil.  It is really hard to tell.

It's hard to have to look out for yourself in a marriage.  I am so used to looking to fulfill the needs of my husband and trying to be mindful of my needs doesn't come naturally.  I have talked to my husband and others about this concept a few times, but it is something that I have had a hard time dealing with.  It is hard to stop and recognize "my husband has been looking out for himself," and "I have been looking out for my husband."  Who has been looking out for me?  Its a harsh moment when you realize that you have to look out for your own well-being because your spouse just simply hasn't been doing that.  So I am so conscious of making it very clear that it's me or the pornography and that I refuse to tolerate that kind of offensive and degrading material.  I also will not tolerate any more dishonesty.

Last week I discovered that there has been financial dishonesty as well.  My husband recently traded in our large plasma TV for another one that was larger and had a better HD resolution.  At first, he told me that he simply traded in the TV and that it was the same price.  Later on, when I questioned him more firmly, he admitted that the TV had cost us an additional $50.  Well, when I finally looked at our credit card statement, that was simply not the case.  I was extremely upset at the blatant dishonesty and confronted him.  I finally got the real story--the TV was $150 more than the one he traded it in for.  Seriously, $150.  Not a big deal.  But the constant manifestations of dishonesty.  Big deal.  I mean, its such a similar pattern to the pornography too.  When I confronted him originally, he completely lied and said that he did not have a problem.  Even after I had stumbled upon concrete evidence, he still tried to sidetrack it and lied straight to my face.  After that, I only got a small piece of the truth (he had a problem in the past and it had been occurring again for a month).  Well, then when I felt strongly that this was not the truth, he finally came clean about the fact that it had actually been six months.  Do I even know the real truth now?  What else is he lying about?  I'm certainly concerned because his word means absolutely nothing to me.

I think it is easy to see how this dishonesty has laid the framework for Satan to capitalize on my suspicions, doubts, and insecurities.  Even though I have felt confident that I should stay married right now, I can feel that confidence constantly being undermined.  My husband and I had some great conversations last week.  We talked specifically about how important it is to improve our emotional, spiritual, and physical connection and intimacy.  We talked about the importance of humility and honesty.  We communicated our challenges and when I expressed my feelings, I felt that they were very validated.  But now, this week, I am hesitant and reserved because I wonder if again he is just "saying all the right words."  

In short, it has been hard to discern between truth and lies.  I know I have been promised an added spirit of discernment, but I also realize I have to make choices that will qualify for me to receive that added measure of the spirit.  Thus, I decided tonight to study briefly about revelation in the church's resource True to the Faith.  I loved this portion of the text, "Quiet spiritual promptings may not seem as spectacular as visions or angelic visitations, but they are more powerful and lasting and life changing.  The witness of the Holy Ghost makes an impression on the soul that is more significant than anything you can see or hear."  

The handbook gives specific counsel for preparing to receive personal revelation.  As I read each item, I realized that I still have so much room for improvement in many of these areas.  I realize that sometimes I get so overcome with discouragement, that I shun the very most important resources that I need.  I too need to humble myself and remember to earnestly seek the strength given to those who turn to Christ in their time of need.  This has caused me to truly seek forgiveness from the Lord and repent of my prideful ways.  True to the Faith focuses on nine ways to be worthy of the promptings of the Holy Ghost:

1) Pray for guidance 

2) Be reverent

3) Be humble

4) Keep the commandments

5) Partake of the sacrament worthily 

6) Study the scriptures every day

7) Take time to ponder 

8) When seeking specific counsel, study the matter out in your mind

9) Patiently seek God's will*

Reflecting on these truths has helped me to feel more control in my life.  It has been hard to submit to the fact that my husband has so much control over whether or not our marriage will survive at this time.  However, it is a nice reminder to realize how much control I have over my salvation.  Through Christ, I can become whole and healed and only I can take the steps I need to feel better.  Studying these principles has helped me to recognize again how much the Lord loves me and how much He wants to bless me with peace, direction, and help.  But I have to do it His way, as outlined above.  

*I can especially work on that very last part.  I know I have mentioned the importance of patience in the past, but I guess it really is a weakness for me so I really need to focus on not trying to implement my own time frame and force it on the Lord.  As True to the Faith explains, "God reveals Himself 'in His own time, and in His own way, and according to His own will (see D&C 88:63-68)."  "DO NOT TRY TO FORCE SPIRITUAL THINGS.  Revelation does not come that way.  Be patient and trust in the Lord's timing."   

Quick Catch Up

I've realized fairly quickly how difficult it really is to write every day. I know it helps me to write, but it sure has been hard. Lately I have been faced with a very real depression. I am trying not to let it overcome or defeat me, but I sure have been feeling my emotions in a very real way. My concerns and pain have taken an excruciating toll on my physical health. Things are getting a little better though in that area. For awhile, I couldn't eat or keep any food down. I lost almost twelve pounds in one week. It scared me a lot when I almost dropped below one hundred. Luckily, in the past week or so I have been able to eat again and have been able to regain a lot of strength. Now my battle is predominantly a mental one, but I am still feeling the physical manifestations of my pain quite a bit too.

I made it out of bed today. I guess to clarify, I always make it out of bed--but I haven't seen too many mornings lately. Between our very lengthy talks that often go into the early morning hours and just the weight of all my emotions, I sure haven't been functioning at my normal level. Anyway, I made it up to campus today. The impact that my husband's pornography use and deception has had on my school work is a huge frustration to me. This semester I am taking 17.0 credits, working, and doing an internship as a research assistant. I have been extremely busy but have also been very satisfied with my efforts. Before the onset of this situation, I was getting very good grades in all of my classes. In fact, I think I had all A's. I know, that's life. Things are going great, you do the best you can, and sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. I am just really frustrated though because my husband's selfishness has again compromised me. Especially after having some health obstacles last semester that prevented me from going to school full-time, I have been really focused on school and doing my best to try to make up for lost time. Now, I feel like back then and now, my husband's actions are constantly "kicking me while I'm down."

Anyway, with that said, I did make it to campus. Tally one victory for the day. I have about twenty minutes before I have to meet with a group to prepare for a presentation this Friday and I can't seem to concentrate on anything, so I thought I would do another brief recap. I obviously can't capture everything that has happened or even begin to convey the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt, but I guess it would be nice for me to cover the highlights.

The week after I found out about everything, I concentrated my efforts on personal prayer and studying the scriptures and conference talks. I also studied LDS materials on pornography. I pondered diligently on the reasons that I was considering divorce and found that I did not think they conflicted with church doctrine. In fact, I know that my motives for considering this as an option are only because I want righteousness and a happy, eternal family. I knew that I needed to forgive my husband regardless of my decision and I was prepared to do that eventually. I just realize that even forgiveness does not remove the consequences of our actions. The Atonement is very real, but it also does not remove all of the consequences of our actions. However, after a lot of prayer, study, and personal reflection, I determined that I would like to stay married, do my very best to be a strength to my husband, and have some faith that he would decide to live a righteous life again.

I went to the temple as a part of a process of asking my Heavenly Father if He would support my decision to stay married. I put my whole faith in my Heavenly Father, knowing that He alone could understand my heart as well as my husband's. I pleaded with him to let me know if this was a wise decision. I yearned for Him to warn me if it was not a good decision. Out of obvious respect for the sacredness of the ordinances performed in the temple, I will not go into detail about my experience. However, I will say, that when I reached the celestial room at the end of the session, I was overcome with so much pain. I was there alone. The strongest insight occurred to me that "it's not as joyful if you're alone." I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but me, but the message was clear to me. My husband has not been living his life in a way that makes him worthy to return to live in the Celestial kingdom with me. I would be alone. Watching all of the other people interact warmly to one another, surrounded by their friends and family, I simply sat alone. I knew right then that I sure didn't want to make it back to God alone.

My patriarchal blessing expresses a lot of things that are very relevant to me right now. One thing it stresses is that I will always pray to the Lord and that He will always answer my prayers in the way that is best for me. My blessing tells me that sometimes the answers to my prayers will be immediate and that sometimes I will have to practice "the heavenly value of patience." This has been the case with this decision. I have not felt any confirming notion of my sincere desire to stay married. Instead, I have been given the confirmation that staying married right now is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do. I do not know what the time frame of this answer is, but I know two things 1) I have much more to learn from this situation and I need to stay with my husband to learn those things and 2) my Heavenly Father requires me to stay married at this time to show my conviction towards keeping the sacred marital covenants I made in the temple when I was married. My husband retains his agency in all of this, but staying in this marriage and giving my husband a second chance for now reflects that I have given everything I could to making this marriage work and holding up my end of sacred covenants. Even if my husband chooses to ultimately disregard his covenants, I will know for sure that I did everything I could to make this marriage work.

I have felt really good about this decision. Like I said, I don't know how long it will last, but I know it is the course of action I need to follow right now. I feel like the spirit has promised me an added measure of discernment during this time that will help me to differentiate truth from deceit and help me continue to make wise and righteous decisions. I am grateful to feel that blessing.

Since my decision to stay married, I have felt a roller coaster of emotions. My husband and I have made a lot of progress together. He seems very committed right now. Our therapy sessions have been a powerful catalyst for change during the week. We are also looking forward to starting the LifeStar program this week, which is specifically geared toward overcoming pornography addictions. At times, I feel a great degree of hope for the future. However, I still feel a great amount of despair. It is difficult because even though my husband and I are having very meaningful and helpful conversations and I know he is headed in the right direction, I still am constantly wondering if I am again just being lied to and deceived. The absence of trust in our relationship makes me second-guess even the most progressive days we have.

Journal Portion 9

I have been so blessed to know so many righteous men.  I am now especially grateful for their examples.  I hope my husband too will utilize the healing power of the Atonement, recognize the safety of living the commandments, and feel the peace he can from re-committing himself to righteousness.  I really hope that he will do this, regardless of my decision.  I love and care for him so much and I hope he will have the joy and happiness that only the Gospel of Jesus Christ can bring. 

I am grateful for the many examples of good, righteous men in my life.  I am grateful to know that no matter what happens, I certainly won't have any kind of "trust complex" or issues with trusting men or people in general.  I recognize that my husband's lack of deserving my trust is not a reflection of all men.  I also recognize that all men are flawed, as I am, but that we can all edify one another's lives if we seek after righteousness.  I am especially grateful for the righteous example of my amazing dad.  

This is the end of my journal entries from the past few weeks.  I often had a lot more that I wanted to write about and address, but I tried to moderate my writing to some extent so that I could get to bed at a somewhat decent time each night.  I needed the strength to help my body heal from the physical sickness so that I could try to catch up with school, work, and go to the temple.  

Journal Portion 8

There was a point in my journal writing that I actually had to stop and laugh at myself.  I had been writing so hard and fast on the pages that my hand hurt too much to continue.  I noted that I stopped and laughed a bit for getting so wrapped up in my emotion.  

I'm thankful for the little moments that Heavenly Father allows us to see humor in even the most horrendous situations.  Truly he wants to bring joy to us all.  Even if its a simple reminder of "Sweetie--don't take yourself too seriously."  I can feel His love every day and so much more when I take the time to try to recognize it.  

Journal Portion 7

During a conversation with a family member, he posed a question. With all of my husband's pornography problems aside, he asked if my husband was kind to me. I said yes. With more thought on the topic, I realize now that his actions have been anything but kind. Outwardly perhaps he has been nice to me, but truly he has been selfish, unrighteous, and unkind.

I know that this family member wants what is best for my husband. Call me arrogant, conceited, or whatever you want, but I realize that what is best for my husband is me. He simply won't find anyone more loving and devoted. I realize that he will be so much more capable of overcoming his addiction if I am by his side. With that said, I hope with all my heart that this family member was not trying to manipulate me when he told me I had a choice to make and basically asserted that I should count myself lucky if this is my only problem. He told me a "family motto" was that "life is a whole lot of hell with a few happy/heavenly moments." He also reminded me that there are a lot of men who appear to be good on Sunday, but do not treat their wives with love and respect. I understand the perspective that he was trying to give me, but I simply won't downplay the seriousness of my husband's behavior.

I can't say I agree with that "family motto." I realize that life is difficult. I am not so naive to think that life is easy and always happy. I have had real disappointments and struggles in my own life. I was also very close to my great-grandparents. The legacy they left was one that evidenced strength amidst a great deal of sorrow and suffering. I understand that opposition is an essential part of mortal life. But I don't agree that life is simply "a whole lot of hell with a few good moments." In my experience, "it is in our extremities" that we come to know God. Thus, even in our most difficult hour, our life can be a piece of heaven if we are living righteously. Life is such a wonderful blessing. Life is for our benefit and for our good. I am not trying to be defensive or disrespectful in any way; I just don't agree with that thinking. I DO agree that life is hard. In fact, that is part of my frustration. Life is hard enough--your spouse should not be your trial! Your spouse should be your advocate and your support during problems and difficult times, not the cause of your difficulties and the source of your pain.

There are two sources of trials in our lives. Sometimes our Heavenly Father deems it wise for us to go through certain trials that will bring us strength and cause us to grow. Trials also come because Heavenly Father respects agency and will not remove the consequences of poor decisions and sinful behavior. There is a huge difference between trials given to us by a loving Heavenly Father who knows us best and those that are brought on because of our own or another person's sinful behavior. Although I am confident that I will still grow to be a stronger and more faithful person through this, this trial is not a natural trial brought from life circumstances; instead, my current trial is because my husband chose to sin and disregard the covenants that he has made.

Anger has been a natural byproduct of this situation for me, but I pray to Heavenly Father daily to help me let go of my anger promptly. I know that holding on to anger will only hurt me. I know that my healthy expression of anger is a part of a thorough healing process and I am glad I won't hide it passively. I know that expressing my feelings is an important element of helping me truly forgive my husband.

Journal Portion 6

It is amazing to me the wisdom and foresight of our church leaders, apostles, and prophets.  For decades they have warned of the devastating effects of pornography on individuals, marriages, and families.  I have always believed in this counsel, but now I am sincerely feeling the pain that they warn of when they counsel members of the church to avoid pornography in all of its forms.  It has completely destroyed everything that was holy, sacred, and good in my marriage.

My husband's deceptive pornography use has destroyed the bonds of trust that we worked so hard to create.  Where love once was, now there is only hurt and despair.  A relationship that was once my greatest joy is now my greatest pain.  My heart aches for the many women who have gone through this experience and for those who will feel the effects of the poor decisions of others in the future.  

I have always known that our decisions will always affect others, especially the ones that we love.  How foolish it is to think that are decisions ever only affect ourselves.  I wish I could warn anyone and everyone of the devastating consequences of viewing pornography.  I know my husband's soul has been tattered by its influence.  Now, as his wife, I am suffering more than imaginable.  

Journal Portion 5

I can't remember everything that I talked to my husband's father about.  Most of it was just about the specific details of my husband's pornography addiction and patterns in his behavior.  But then he told me something that is very true.  I was lied to before I was married and did not have the full truth to base a decision on.  He said that I now have the truth and that the time to decide whether or not to stay married is now.  Not in two years and definitely not in ten years when children are likely to be involved.  The truth of that hit me hard.  My husband's father emphasized that this is not just something that my husband will deal with and get over now.  As a result of his past choices, my husband will deal with this addiction his entire life.  I feel strongly that this is the truth.  It is up to my husband to decide whether he will let this addiction drive him to view pornography, but it is likely that he will always be tempted.

His dad also believes that my husband will relapse in this behavior, be dishonest, and try to hide it every time.  My husband doesn't agree with that, but his track record sure seems to indicate that it is accurate.  I believe that my husband can overcome this.  I don't think he will necessarily succumb to this addiction his whole life even though it will always be an addiction.  So I don't know if what his dad said about about him slipping again and again and lying about it will necessarily be true, but it seems to be the pattern in his life so far and that definitely concerns me.  His parents had found ways to monitor him and recognize signals for when they suspected that he had reverted to pornography.  The thought of having to almost babysit a husband and make sure to watch for signals of pornography is overwhelming to me and almost too much to bear.  

The fact is that my heart has been so torn and broken by this, I just know I couldn't survive if a second chance became a third chance and so on.  I cannot go through this again.  I have literally had a taste of hell this week.  I know that a relapse does not have to occur, but I just don't know if my husband is willing to do what it will take to prevent it.  I question his sincerity.  The fact is, he did not come forward or try to repent--he was caught.  I can see the sorrow he is experiencing now, but I truly question if he is only sorry that he got caught.

I should also note that I have given a lot of thought to being able to tolerate a relapse of some kind.  I am very aware that most people struggling with pornography addictions suffer occasional small relapses.  This does not mean that they should give up or be discouraged.  Even though a small relapse would be difficult, I think I might be able to handle it if my husband was honest about it.  There is a huge distinction between a small slip up and being fully immersed in pornography for great amounts of time with no resolve to be clean again.  I have no tolerance for pornography, but I will have to grapple with the possibility of some small relapses because I want my husband to be honest about them if they do occur.

During the time with my husband's father, I began to be skeptical that this had only been occurring for the month that my husband had originally said.  After I talked to my husband's father alone, we all spoke together for a few moments.  I asked my husband how long he had really been looking at pornography again and told him I felt strongly that he had lied to me at first.  He admitted that it did not just start in January and that it had really started last October.  It had been close to six months that he had been looking at pornography almost daily.  My worst suspicions were confirmed--he had been looking at pornography for over half of our marriage!  I had been lied to and deceived for over half of the time we had spent together married.  I felt like my entire marriage was a fraud and it killed me.